People are Always Worth it!

I've had some interesting relationship experiences recently, some that prune me and some that grow me. I'll get personal here as I admit that I've been in two different relationships in the last few months. One followed right after the other and it's been an interesting process. While I wasn't looking/hoping for a new relationship so quickly, it's been interesting walking some of the same paths with different people in such a short period of time. But it's been harder than I'd anticipated in some unexpected ways. One of the difficult ways is that, in the previous relationship, I grew attached to my now-ex's family. They are a wonderful group of people that were very welcoming and all-around good people. I almost could have married him, just to have them for in-laws and I was almost more distraught over losing them than I was about breaking up with my boyfriend.

Now, I find myself in a new relationship with new family members to meet. I'll admit, part of me has been very resistant to meeting his family because I don't want to get attached again if it's doesn't end up working out. I know, that the idea of waiting to meet someone's family until I'm sure of the relationship is a crazy idea, but I would prefer breakups to involve the least losses possible.

As I've wrestled with this idea, something that a friend shared with me a while back continues to teach me.
She said, "I've learned that: People are always worth the struggle or enjoyment." Whether this current relationship lasts or not, there is value in building relationships and coming to know more of Father's children. Obviously, this is a lesson that my fearful heart still has to learn again and again, but I thought it was one worth sharing.

Charity has no expiration dates and should be the standard regardless of outcome. It's always worth it to get to know somebody new. Thank you to that friend who continues to teach me, though she is far away!

Where I'm supposed to be

If you're struggling with "come what may and love it" maybe this will help you.

At the beginning of my time on the trail, I learned to start each day with a question to the Creator: Am I where I'm supposed to be today?

This question enabled me to forget about the struggles of the past and not focus too much on the uncertainties of the future. This question (and an affirmative answer) gave me confidence in whatever I had to do that day. Because I knew that, no matter what happened, I was where I was supposed to be and the Lord supported me.

I'm not sure when, but at some point I stopped asking this question. And today, a dear friend reminded me of it. Am I where I'm supposed to be today? Am I where the Lord wants me to be? 

No matter the past and regardless of the future, if the answer to this question is yes, then I can continue forward with strength in the Lord. If the answer is no, then what do I need to change to get back to where I'm supposed to be?

I hope that each of us can be where the Lord wants us to be, and if we're not, then I hope we can find the courage to get there.

Say What?

Once upon a time, I had a mission companion that gave me one of the best gifts ever! She taught me the value of writing down the awesome things that other people say! For the last year or so, I've been more active with this and I love the flood of memories that each quote brings. Some are funny, some are inspiring and some just sound cool.

So, for your enjoyment (or confusion) here are some of my favorite quotes.

• "When Stalking pays off, it's totally fine." - Kenady
• "You do desperate really well!" - Laura*
• "You guys are out there saving lives and saving hearts." - Scottie
• "Guys are so lucky with their short hair. And I wake up and I'm like: I can't salvage that!" - Haley
• "You're Doin' It!" - Anasazi people
• "In the midst of all storms there can be happiness." - Brother Coates (an ASU ward) (I LOVE storms!!)
• "Father, you've given me this missionary experience. Please help me to not screw it up!" -from a comment in Sunday School
• "I'm not a fan of school, but I enjoy learning." - Sheldon
• "You're a pretty good fuzzy-headed guy." - Brett*
• "Why have fish, when you have me?!" - Nicole R.
• "I don't want to say it like this, but I'll say it like this. You're really weird!" - Steph Steph*
• "Sometimes life gets REAL!" -April
• "You will never regret following the SacredWind, but you will always regret NOT following it." -BrightOwl (Jeremy)
• "Trust is not a prerequisite. It's an outcome." -Beyond Right And Wrong
• "I'm the cutest human." -Lyssa
• "All good things end with kissing." -Lindsay
• "Nah, you've got cool stuff. You've got yourself!" -April
• "What better thing can you do, than to honor a person for the good that they do in their life." YellowWolf (Larry O.)
• "I've got four jelly beans, and there are four of us. Whadda ya say we party?!!" -Jeremy
• "I think every boy should jump at the chance to hang out with you!" -Angela
• "I like white chocolate the best." - Amy
  "What?! That's not even real! It's a byproduct!" - Me
  "Well, I like byproducts! I'm a byproduct of my parents. Happiness is a byproduct of service." - Amy
  "You're justifying now. Do you know what justification leads to?" - Me
  "Byproducts?!" - Amy
• "Everyday you should be grateful that you're a member of this church and everyday you should share that with someone." -Michelle M. 
• "Can you get expelled for snuggling?" -Chelsey R

*The "you"s are almost always referring to me...

Lover AND Fighter

My first day at ANASAZI, I learned about the symbols we call the "Heart At War" and "Heart At Peace".

I have learned several things about these two images, but the thing that keeps coming back to me recently is the role of the arrows. When you're at war with someone, you have your weapons pointed at them. However, when you're at peace with someone, you turn your arrows outward and they become the person you are now defending.

Working with YoungWalkers I had the opportunity of seeing a lot of war turn to peace and I learned a beautiful fact, the YoungWalkers never wanted to fight their parents, any more than the parents wanted to be fighting. With all the obstacles in the wilderness of the world we find ourselves endless cycles of fight or flight and too often it's the people that mean the most to us that we turn our Arrows on.

But the truth is, we all just want someone who has our backs. We want someone who will fight FOR us. We are all seeking someone to love, trust and fight alongside. And we all want to know that we are worth fighting for. In this world that seeks to tear us down with it's messages that we are not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough or worthwhile, we hunger for someone who will tell us that we are. We want to surround ourselves with people that prove to us through their actions that we are worthy of love, that we are worthy of their time and effort and that we are worth defending.

We all want to be fought for and know that we are not alone in this battle. So what do we have in our lives? Is it keeping us from fighting for the things the really matter and the people that deserve our hearts? What do we really want and are we willing to fight with all of our hearts for it?

When you love something or someone you fight FOR it. You throw all your energy into it. Peace comes from giving your all in defending something important. I'm a fighter because I love deeply. I love life. I love dreaming big. I love seeking growth. I am willing to defend the things that make up my core. I will defend those that are important to me. And I won't back down until the battle is over.

Recent Adventures

I thought I'd take a break from thinking and share a few of my recent adventures. These last couple months have been too much fun.

#1 - Grand Canyon with Kalia - Back in March, Kalia surprised me by visiting my state one weekend. So I drove up to Grand Canyon and we had a blast. We got to see the main views, watch a cool Imax movie on the history of it (yes, I'm still a history lover) and even got...

...A HELICOPTER RIDE OVER THE CANYON!! Needless to say, it was amazing!

#2 - General Conference - I haven't been able to attend conference (or my mission reunions) for a couple years so it was fun to get up there and it was great getting to spend some time with Mom, Dad and Emma before they move East.

And, after much hunting, I found Sister Turro! (She was the only Young Woman in my first area on my mission and now she's serving on Temple Square)

#3 - Apache Lake - my friend, Lara, introduced me to this fun little place on a day of random adventure-wandering. 

I love adventures with no specific plan! Yes, we did
just jump in the water fully clothed and it felt great!

So when my friends, Laura and Lyssa came to visit and wanted to beat the Arizona heat I got to go back to Apache Lake. The water was a bit too cold and the air too windy to enjoy much swimming, but we had a fun time enjoying the sunshine together.

The Beach, a guitar and good friends = the life!

#4 - Finishing on the Trail - I knew that my time on the trail was coming to an end so for one last request, I asked my boss if I could walk with Brett (who was also finishing his time on the trail before leaving for study abroad).

It was one of the hardest, yet best weeks of my life. Seeing my brother as the awesome TrailWalker that he is was so rewarding. Even though he's my younger brother, I look up to him in every way!

Some other "family" joined the pic as well-Andy (left) and Nicole (right)!

Although leaving the trail has been hard, I know the Creator is guiding my walking and has good things in store for me. He's never given me anything but goodness before.

#5 - Zion - Sometimes I can get several of my friends from different circles together and we have a blast. This weekend involved a freezing, yet beautiful hike up the Narrows, an early morning climb up to Angels Landing and lots of laughter and good times. It was great to get away for a few days, unwind, and adventure!

The view on top of Angels' Landing

My life is full of great people and fun times. To everyone that I call friend: thanks for being amazing and letting me into your lives. You're all so great!!

What do I really want? (part-2)

As I've been making plans for the future and praying about where I should be and what I should be doing I keep running into roadblocks. There are so many places that I would love to go and so many options of what I could be doing. Yet, everywhere that I consider I receive a "No" from the Lord. As I mourned the loss of another possibility I thought to myself, "Why can't I just do what I want?!"

Instantly I was reminded of this concept concerning what I really want . In Church a week or so ago, a new girl in my ward made a profound statement in her introduction: "I really just want to please Heavenly Father." What a beautiful purpose! As I sat in that chapel I prayed that that would be my goal as well. I realized all that I really want is to please Father. I said I was willing to do whatever is necessary to please him and do his will.

At first this seemed like a daunting thing to ask/promise. I have some trust issues and trusting the Lord with my everything is a little scary. And harder still: trusting myself. I don't know that I trust myself enough to follow God's plan well. But I want to want this, and thanks to my friend Alma, I know that's possible. "Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, (it doesn't have to be anything big or dominating, but a start as simple as a little seed) behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts." (Alma 32:28)

So, now that I know what I want to want (to please Heavenly Father) the next question to process is: how much do I really want it?

What do I really want?

In my time on the trail I have had the opportunity of seeing many YoungWalkers in their first days on the trail. It's interesting their attitudes as they begin their walking. Many of them did not seek this experience, and they spend most of their time anticipating the how wonderful things will be when they return home and can enjoy all the foods they craved on the trail.

Occasionally, however, you get that one YoungWalker. They don't want to change, but they want to want it. You can see it in their eyes and feel it from their hearts. They aren't ready to let go of the things that are holding them back, but they are beginning to see what their future could look like and their hearts begin to turn toward the light.

Pondering on this process in YoungWalkers has led me to wonder where I am in the process. Do I want goodness, or do I simply want to want it?

Sure, I've had those moments after General Conference, or when I got home from my mission, when my desires were right in line with the people of King Mosiah when they said: "The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

But on a day to day basis, what do I really want? What are the sincere desires of my heart?

Wait, This Isn't Normal??

Growing up in the Jenkins house generally involved lots of noise, bouncing off the walls (literally; that was Brett's and my job), and music. Due to the fact that random outbursts of song from any number of members (awkward harmonization included) and dancing around the kitchen were the norm, we would often joke that our life was a musical.

However, a funny realization came to me the other day. As much as we would love to think that our singing and dancing was beautiful and looked well choreographed, the truth is we had really good imaginations. In fact, to call it a musical seems a bit unfair to the actual Idina Menzel's and Heather Headley's of the stage.

When a series of emails passed between me and my brother started with "(this song) reminds me of life right now" I discovered the truth of my childhood. My life isn't a musical, it's a soundtrack! I have theme songs for various eras and events in my life. And based on the growing number of playlists in my Spotify I think I have a problem. But for those of you who haven't experienced it, there's a beautiful satisfaction that comes from finding the perfect song to describe your situation or feelings!

Get Lost

My walking has changed so much in the last couple months, it's been more like a running or a climbing, (the struggle is real). One way that I have grown is being able to get lost.

At the beginning of this year, I took on a new role in the wilderness, I became one of the "veterans" and trainers. This meant I would have an entire band of people depending on me. This thought already intimated me and became the driving fear during an experience where I got lost by myself.Knowing where you are and where you're going is crucial in the wilderness. You can put yourself in great peril if you don't take time to learn your surroundings or plan your path well.

It was the week before I would train and I went to the trail to help with some other responsibilities. One of those responsibilities was going into the bands to deliver some supplies. I was alone for this adventure and by the time I finished in the bands it was already dark. I quite the hike ahead of me to get from the bands to our base camp and the area we were staying in was new to me. Despite getting directions from several trustworthy helpers, I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in on an unfamiliar path. When I reached the main road I didn't that passed through the area I didn't know if I should follow it to the right or the left. My gut instinct told me to go left and I set off under the stars hoping that this was the right direction.

As I walked along, with little more than the stars to orient I began to worry about my ability to orient. If I could get so disoriented at a place that should have been easy to navigate how was I to lead a group of YoungWalkers and trainees through the back-country? Profound doubts troubled my heart as I walked that quiet path.

I wasn't too worried about my physical well being. Though it was taking longer than I expected, I was comforted by the fact that I knew I had he stamina to wander all night if needed and I felt safe there in the wilderness that I had called "home" for 8 months. It wasn't until I ran into a ranch near the road that I started to worry. I didn't recognize this place and didn't know if it presented any danger. For the first time in a long time, I was afraid.

With nothing more than a compass and my vague memories of this new area, and no way to contact my team, I did the only thing I could do - I got on my knees. Never have I wanted so badly to be back in my safe place. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable and ached for the safety and comfort of my friends and fellow TrailWalkers around a bright, warm fire. As I called on the heavens to lead me I felt little direct guidance. But standing up, I remembered the saying of a mission companion - "The Lord can't lead us if we're standing still." Reasoning that the ranch was too far and I had been hiking the wrong way, I turned around and began walking the other direction. However, it only took about 5 steps before it felt distinctly wrong. I turned around, still very unsure of my reasoning, but trusting in what I felt. It took another 10 minutes or so (which felt like an hour) but I did finally arrive at my camp.

Rarely have I been so grateful to arrive at my destination. Seeing the faces of my beloved friends and feeling the safety of that place was true peace. But what's more - I learned that I can navigate, not necessarily by the a compass, GPS or even the stars, but by my heart and the love that a Father in Heaven has for me. I can navigate spiritually.

While I still have much honing to do of this unique instrument, it was a beautiful lesson in trusting the Lord, trusting myself and walking forward despite doubts,  "reason", or my own shortsightedness. We must let ourselves get lost from ourselves if we are ever to find the Lord. So get out there. Leave your comfort zone. And let the Lord take you where you really need to be.

Learning to Wait

*Sorry I have been remiss in my posts recently. When it comes down to either writing about my adventures or going out and having more, the latter generally wins. But I have at least a half-dozen posts started and will be better at finishing/sharing them.

The Creator has spent many years teaching me to get off my duff, on my feet and do something. I’m sure it’s been very difficult for him, but he’s been patient and has lovingly guided my heart to be proactive. Now, He’s teaching me Faith in Action Part II – waiting.

A couple months ago, I was in an accident going to the trail. I was the leader and the one who had to figure out the situation and make the call on what we would do. We were about halfway between town and the bands and couldn’t decide whether it would be better to go back and, get in touch with the office and get help or walk towards the bands and hope we made it in time. Normally we have communication materials to help us contact each end of the route, but there had been several mix-ups and misunderstandings that morning and all we had was my cell phone. Unfortunately, we were too far out for me to have much reception, but after sending word in several different forms to my leaders, we went back to the car and I suggested the visitors do a ponderings camp while we sat there waiting for help. They could take a few minutes, meditate, pray, and prepare themselves for the unique opportunities that awaited them on the trail. I however, was struggling to sit. I’d grown so used to jumping into go-mode that I felt lost unless I was working toward my destination.

As I began a plea to the Creator to send help or tell me what to do next I received this instead. “Alicia,” he said, “You have done all you can. You have worked hard and done your very best. That’s all you ask of anyone else, and that’s all I ask of you. Now, I need to you be still and let me do my part. I promise I am taking care of you.”

What do you do when you can’t do anything? Trust – in the Lord, in your efforts, and in the lessons you will gain because of your experiences. He is in it. He is in charge and He wants nothing but good things for us.

As my walking continues to change, I still get ahead of myself sometimes. I want to hurry to the finish line and know what the Lord wants for me. (*Patience – especially with life – has never been my strongest suit) But it’s not a race, and there is no Final Destination. There’s only today and what I can do with the present. And once I’ve done all I can, I need to be still and see the Creator’s hand in all things. I’m learning how to wait with the Lord. 

Mirrors

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, I really don't understand why you always ask why I like you, it seems so obvious to me."

Self-image is such an interesting concept. I've now had sittings with several people who I think the world of and look up to so much and during the sitting I discovered that they don't see themselves the way I see them. I see these strong, yet gentle women who are doing the Creator's will and inviting others to know Him better. I see woman who are beautiful and intelligent and funny. Women who could do anything they want, who could change the world if they so decided. Yet they look in the mirror and see mostly flaws, shortcomings and imperfection.

And the weirdest thing: they look at me and see the same wonderful things, while I'm looking in the mirror and see immense inadequacy and failures.

For some reason that I haven't come to understand yet, the Creator has put us in a world where we never really see ourselves. I can look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and see a close representation, but it's never really me. Then I can look at others and see their truest self, but they don't get to see that, they will only ever see reflections (deficient reflections that magnify the imperfections of the individual and obscure the real beauty there).

So, how can we know who we really are if there's no mirror to understand ourselves? In the book The Seven Paths, the narrator shares a powerful concept; that 'We [others] appear as We [ourselves] are.' To see another is to see oneself. So when we look at the people around us and see that we are surrounded by good, wonderful and uplifting people, it tells us something incredible about ourselves - we too are good, wonderful and uplifting. Whoever you are with, they are the mirrors of your heart. If you want to see yourself, appreciate all the good in the people closest to you and recognize that, although you can't really see yourself and there's no mirror to show you how you truly look, the people around you see your truth and choose to be with you for it. Let them be your mirror and help you see how wonderful you are.

Just a FEW of the fantastic people I'm surrounded by!

*Sidenote on perfection - Yesterday, while working on skills with a group of friends, one of them was working on a gatherings bag. These are special bags that everyone who walks the Anasazi trail is encouraged to make since it will aid them in their walking. These bags are handmade by each individual and therefore, no two bags are alike. The person making his yesterday was stressing over messing up with his bag and one of the others said something incredibly profound: "The more imperfect - the more beautiful." Perfection is something we find in factories that produce everything to be the same and unspecial. Imperfection is unique, it's what sets us all apart from each other and makes life fun and interesting and enjoyable. Imperfection IS beauty!

Finally Finding Hope

On January 25th, I will have been home from my LDS mission for exactly 3 years! It's crazy to think about all that has happened in that time, but what's even more incredible to me is the wonderful opportunities and powerful awakenings I've been given since then. At the beginning of my mission, while still in the Missionary Training Center, I remember spending a lot of time trying to understand Hope.

We talk a lot about hope and how important it is for true happiness. The scriptures remind us again and again that faith, hope and charity bring salvation, but what is hope? For so long and based on how people explained it, it seemed like the same thing as faith - a belief in something that you can't see but you trust in. This week on the trail, as I pondered on the YoungWalkers that I get to work with and help them prepare to go home and face their trials again I though a lot about hope and had an awakening that has changed my understanding and my walking.

Faith is based on the past, charity is based on the present, and hope is based on the future. We have faith in something because all our previous experience with that thing tells us that it will work out. We know the sun will rise in the morning because it always has before. Charity is love for the people we are surrounded by and taking the time to love and serve them, even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. While hope is believing in something regardless of past experience or in spite of where we are now. I have hope that I will be able to be with my family for eternity even though I have no experience in that area and mortal reason would say that is preposterous.

Hope is essential for happiness because it allows us to know that, even though we have made a mess of things in the past and although we've struggled with something numerous times, we can trust that one day all that will be in our past and we will struggle with it no more. We can trust that the Creator will help us become better and we will overcome our weaknesses even though they have defeated us so many times.

Hope will get us through the hardest times and allow us to continue walking forward in the storms of life. Without it - everything is more diffiicult; with it - anything is possible.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Beginnings

Occasionally the creator let's us try again at something that we struggled with the first time. I find that in my life, I oscillate between feeling strong/confident/able and weak/insecure/incapable. Sometimes I spend a long time in one or the other, but the good news is, the Lord never lets me stay down for long. It's a long climb back up from weakness and magnified imperfection, but the ascent is what builds my strengths so I can reach new heights and continually grow.

I've recently been pondering on this process and the fact that it's never too late for a new beginning. I have a good friend who came through the Anasazi program this last summer. They did very well, and we were all so proud to see the new person they became and how strong they were when it was time to go home. Then, a few weeks ago, I received a message from this person that they had fallen and were coming back to Anasazi for another round. Fortunately, it was my week to help with new-intakes so I was able to be there for this friend as they came back and started again. This individual really struggled with forgiving themselves. They saw coming back as a sign that they failed and weren't worth a second chance. How grateful I am that this isn't true. We've all had those experiences where we are born again and are determined to never fall into our old ways again. However, Satan knows our weaknesses and he's not going to relent if he thinks there's a chance of bringing us down. But the Savior of the world knows how to descend below all things and lift us up. His very glory and joy comes from helping us wipe off the dust and stand again.

I am so imperfect, it's ridiculous. I don't know how God can see my infinite potential through all the mistakes I make on an hourly basis. But he does and he is stronger than anything in this world. So, when we let his will be our guide, there is nothing that can stop us. We are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and there is no depth too deep for the enabling and healing powers of the atonement. I'm so grateful that I can repent as many times as I need to get it right. Here at Anasazi we read something called The Seven Paths (it's like the scriptures, but in Native American wording). At one point in the story, the main character tells of a dream where he met the Savior, "I then awoke desiring to step anew. If I was to more forward, I needed to leave all that was backward behind. I did that day and have had to repeat the offering many times since." We don't run out of new beginnings. We can't ever stop being born again. If we stop then we limit ourselves for all eternity, but if we continue to forgive ourselves and make things right with God, we open the doors to eternal happiness for us and those we love.

So, at this special time of year as we ponder on God's gift to the World of his Beloved Son and his Son's gift to us of the saving atonement I join the many voices that have come before mine and those still to come - that he lives and loves us. The Savior of the World is willing to give us blessings without end if we will simply give our hearts to him and let him help us have a new beginning. So here's to a new beginning today and many to come!

Merry Christmas!

Addictions

I have an addiction. As hard as it is to admit it's time to be honest with myself and those I love. I have been dealing with addiction for years now and it's only getting worse. I am completely addicted to helping people, as unhealthy and hard on me as it is sometimes.

Even though my job causes me to lose sleep, even though hiking for miles and miles and sleeping on the ground is wearing on my body, even though I face an emotional roller coaster every time I go to the trail - I keep going back. Why? Because it feels so good. Yeah, the hard times are tough, but the good times are fantastic!

I love how it feels to see a YoungWalker overcome something that terrified them and find new courage. I love the elation that I get hearing them say things like, "This [seeing the view from the top of a tough mountain] feels good...like...better than doing drugs." I love when they see how their choices have been making them unhappy and they want to change. I am addicted to the happiness I feel when I can see the light in their eyes grow brighter and their strength to face their challenges increases. Despite the fact that this is one of the hardest jobs in the world, it is also one of the most incredible. Where else can you make such a big difference in someone's life? 

Another mountain to conquer

I'm learning to be humble. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to be teachable. I learning to change. I'm learning that it's ok to be vulnerable. I'm learning that even though people will come and go in our lives, they can be forever in our hearts and the lessons we gain from them can change our world. It's not easy to face the mountains in our lives, but the perspective we gain from the climb is worth every painful misstep and every doubt that enters our hearts. The feeling of accomplishment overcomes all the aches and bruises that come from the ascent. And in the end, you're left with a stronger heart and greater understanding of who you really are and what you can do. And helping someone else come to that in their lives is the greatest thing in the world.

So, although it exhausts me and causes some wear and tear on my body. And even though I get emotionally drained after eight days, I still get excited for the possibilities that await another week on the trail. And, while some weeks are harder than others, at the end of a week as amazing as this last one my heart is full of gratitude to be able to do what I do and see the miracles that await us all outside our comfort zones. 

Fall on the Trail

One of THOSE Weeks

Every week on the trail is an adventure but some weeks give you more obstacles than others. This last week on the trail we had to complete the longest hike at Anasazi. Usually we hike Thur, Fri, Sat, rest Sun then hike into Final D sometime on Monday. This last week was up early and hike everyday (Thur-Mon) until we ran out of sunlight, and get into Final D Mon afternoon. In addition, we had two SinaguaWalkers who were on their RabbitStick (meaning they still had to learn and pass off all the basic skills) while making this long trek. And because they were at the beginning of their time, they didn't hike very well, so it was a pretty long, drawn out hike. And that was just the physical aspect.

Emotionally, these kids were both pretty messed up. They had dealt with drug addictions for several years and neither was really sure they wanted to turn their lives around. They came because this seemed like a better rehab option than other programs.

Wednesday was the hardest day of the week. Throughout the hiking they had begun to come around and were seeing the reasons to change and make their lives better. They would say things like, "After this I only want to walk forward." or "It feels really good to see this [the epic view from the top of a mountain we just climbed]. Like, it kinda feels better than doing drugs." Then on Wednesday, I couldn't handle listening to their "dumb-talking" anymore. It's not forwards-talking, but it's not backwards-talking, it's just a waste. They spent almost the entire week talking about movies and music that do not fit what I would call tasteful, so I had nothing to say about them and after a week of it I was done. Then, one of them started talking about going home. All she wanted was to go home and go to another program (*she has a tendency to start programs but not finish them). I had a sitting with her and tried to help her see how much she needed this program and that it wasn't logical to leave at this point, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to hear reason or anything else, she just wanted to leave. After working on her almost all day (I sat with her, the WindWalker sat with her and a GhostWalker came into the band) she was coming around to the idea that she would stay and finish; "I'm going to request to walk with you at the end of my time so you can see how far I've come."

So, the week ended on a better note, but I was emotionally exhausted and ready for a break. Not to mention, I was ready to spend a few days being warm. It's getting cold up there!

Sometimes you get to go on secret missions to help Ridge with another band and you can take sweet pics like this one!

Oh Life

How does it get away from you so easily?! I get off the trail with every intention of updating this and the next thing I know, it's been two weeks and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I'm preparing to go out on the trail again tomorrow.

Highlights of the last two weeks:

• Seeing a great YoungWalker come off the trail. I helped her at the office on her first day in the program and seeing her on her first and last was fun for me.
• One of my absolute favorite YoungWalkers came to Mesa and I was able to spend some time with her. Seeing how well she's doing and that she's continuing to walk forward is payday for a TrailWalker. Witnessing that they not only did well on the trail but are still going strong and growing stronger is golden!
• Driving to Idaho wasn't really a highlight (although I do enjoy roadtrips, they are more fun with other people) but I was able to see some of my favorite people along the way and that's what it's all about. I would travel the world for some of these people that mean so much to me.
• Helped mom get the house ready to sell and move. The moving idea is a little sad. Even though I don't live there anymore, it's strange to think of my parents living somewhere else or celebrating Christmas and special events in a different house. But I am glad I was able to help my family out in this rather stressful period of transition.
• I also changed rotations, which is a big deal at Anasazi. You have a certain belonging place and fit into your rotation so to change is a big deal and a little unsettling to be honest. But I felt good about the change and I think some great opportunities will come from it. Plus, it means I get to go out on the trail again tomorrow. It's funny how much I miss it when I'm not out there. During my training, back in May, I was talking to another trainee about how strange it was that we felt so comfortable out there. A trail-veteran overheard and commented that one day we would find that we are more comfortable on the trail than we were in the "wilderness of the world". Today, as I told my roommate how excited I am to get back on the trail, I remembered those words and realized it's true. I'm in my element out there and feel like my most real self. I miss it when I'm off the trail.

So, tomorrow morning - here we go again. Adventure is out there and we are going to find it and grow from it!

Walk forward everyone. It's so worth it!

Oh Boy!

Actually there were 7! SEVEN BOYS in our band! Oh what a handful. I don't know what I would do if the Lord needed me to be a mom to 7 boys. On the one hand it would be a riot, on the other hand, I would go crazy!

The whole time I was on vacation, I had been praying to be in Girls' Band when I got back on the trail, but I found out the day before we went out that the girl that I was really hoping to walk with had finished and was going home. I was sad to know that I wouldn't be able to walk with her again but it took off some of the pressure to be in girls band before she left.* So, Wednesday morning, when I found out that I would be in Boys Band it wasn't as hard to swallow. That is, until I realized something...I'd never been in Boys' Band before and I wasn't sure I could handle it!

When we got to the band, it took some getting used to. Talking with 17 year old boys is hard. I don't know enough about their sports, music, shows, etc to really carry on a conversation about them and I don't know what else boys do in high school other than talk about girls, but that doesn't really work out in the wilderness either. And SEVEN! That's the biggest band I've dealt with and it's just hard to keep track of them all. I guess, I should be used to it since EFY was between 10 and 40, but to really help each of them walk forward takes a lot of time and attention and that's hard for 3 TWs to do for 7 boys in 8 days. 

Then, add on top of all that, the fact that one of the boys started plummeting. He was struggling a bit when we got there (he didn't eat anything Wednesday night, then threw up Thursday morning) but he has a tendency of trying to manipulate the situation like that and test out the new TWs so we got through that and hiked on Thursday. But as we hiked, we discovered a couple things. 1 - he is an INCREDIBLY slow hiker. I've never seen anyone move so slowly or so uncoordinated on boulder fields as he was, and he's been here several weeks. And 2 -  he was having some major mental struggles that were keeping him from really walking forward. 

What did all that mean? It meant that we laid-over (didn't hike) on Friday and Saturday, we never left camp before 11 am, and we only hiked about 2.5 miles in a week! It also meant that we, as a band, had the opportunity to learn great patience and compassion. It meant that all of the boys had to learn to reach outside themselves and find the good in their fellow YoungWalker. It meant that we needed to learn how to empower without enabling. (I'm going to have to do a separate entry on "enabling". It's something I am learning a lot about and I don't particularly like the connotation we have given it.)

This was a very trying week. We pulled our hair out trying to figure out how to get through to this kid and help him see just how great he is, but it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I was reminded again and again of my mission and those moments when trying to help someone who is being illogical/impossible. I haven't prayed that hard for discernment and charity in a long time. The most interesting thing though, is the fact that this is probably one of the weeks that I will refer to most as I look back on my walking and the experiences that have helped me grow. 

I love each of those boys. I am so grateful that I was able to walk with them and learn from them and I can't wait to see the forwards walking that they do as they finish at Anasazi and reenter the wilderness of the world. I was relieved to leave the trail yesterday. But, as always, there's a part of my heart out there, seeking to gather from the sky and the paths of the creator and waiting for me to return to my people, the people of the trail, those who Walk In We.

Walking home at the end of a long, crazy week.

*Although I didn't realize how much I would miss the other girls in the Girls' Band, I know all of them right now and adore them each in a way. I found out today that they requested to walk with me this week - even though I'm not on the trail, it melted my heart to know that they liked me enough to want to walk with me again. And one of my favorites is Dawnstar-ing this week, ie. finishing up, so I won't get to walk with her again. Why is it, when I like a person or group I only walk with them once, when I struggle with a person or group, I walk with them again and again?!

Not Going to the Trail

I had a family vacation in Utah this last week so I didn't go out to the trail with the rest of my rotation group. It's funny: I came to ANASAZI with great apprehension and there have been a few weeks on the trail when all I wanted to do was go home. But not going out on the trail this last week was so hard. I went to the Wednesday morning training to say goodbye to those TWs who would finish and leave while I was on vacation. Seeing them all drive off and knowing some of the YWs they would be going to without me was really hard. That was one of the hardest things, right up there with saying goodbye to the mission and seeing them all carry on in the work without me.

Not a day passed this last week that I didn't think about the trail. The YoungWalkers out there, where they would all be, what they would be doing each day, e.g. - "Today's Thursday, they're hiking again." or "It's Sunday. I wonder if they're taking a layover day." I really miss the trail. I miss how simple things are out there, and how clear my role is. I loved the trail before, but I have never been more excited to get out there and Walk again.

Spending time with my family was great though. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the vacation and we made some great memories. We stayed at Snowbird in the Cliff Lodge, went on the zip-line and alpine slide in Park City, got together with some old friends, ate lots of yummy food, played games and I coerced them into going hiking. We also started planning our next family hoorah and that was fun. I love my family and Anasazi is all about turning hearts homeward so it was great to be able to be with my family and experience that joy that we seek to instill in our YWs for their families.

Another Awesome Week

After the last couple weeks on the trail I feel like I could do this forever. This last week was so great! I was in an awesome band and things couldn't have gone better! There was adventure, struggle, growth and smiles; everything a TrailWalker could ask for rolled up into 8 days. In fact, leaving the trail on Wednesday was the hardest it's ever been.

It started off a little crazy. I had been hoping and almost planning to be put in Sinagua again and walk with my beloved SWs from last week. That morning, I had to really prepare myself for the fact that anything could happen and trust that wherever I was put, the Creator was in it and it would be for the best. When we got our assignments this faith was tested. I was put in Girls' Band again - with one YW in particular that I've walked with twice already and not really been able to connect with. Let me clarify that statement, she was a little bipolar with me; one second she would be upset that I made a suggestion to her and the next, she was wondering if I could walk with her for her Dawnstar week - I never really knew where I stood with her.

Anyway, I embraced the fact that this is where I would be (oh and I was walking with another TW that I walked with for the past two weeks, haha) and prepared for another crazy week on the trail. But, through a crazy little turn of events, I ended up being switched to the other Girls' Band (I'd heard great things about the girl in that band and was excited about the new possibilities, but a little whiplashed from the last minute change (it came when we were about to hike into our bands).

So, I found myself in a band with 3 TWs, 1 YW and the possibility of a RabbitStick (YW brand new to the program). Typically, with YWs the system seems to be: when you need it but don't want it, then you must stay; when you want it, but no longer need it, then you must go. The first girl in this band may be the exception to that. I had heard nothing but good things about her and they were all so true. She was only on her 2nd full week in the program but she seemed so much more experienced. Usually YWs are pretty angry or forlorn for the first couple weeks and it takes them a while to warm up to the program and get into the swing of things. She was so into it already. In fact, on Thursday or Saturday she was saying things like, "I never want to leave this place. I love it here so much."

On Thursday morning, we found out about Jerky Butte. This was a pretty tall mountain near the path we wanted to take to Final D, but the allure of it was the call of adventure - there are Native American ruins on top! So we hiked to a cow tank at the base of the butte and spent the night at one of the best spots ever. we found an open spot on top of a small mesa, where we could see the entire sky! I've never seen so many stars in my life. Then, the next morning, we got up, packed up, left our stuff on the mesa so we could hike fast and went up the butte. It was incredible! There were partial walls up there where you could see they had some small buildings of some sort, whether they were homes or places of worship they had definitely chosen a great spot. You could see forever up there. It was the tallest point for miles so you really felt like you were on top of the world. And - there was a cherry tree up there! So we sat on top of the world, eating cherries and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment at what we had just done.

*Note - we did have a minor accident climbing up. The YW felt really bad, but it wasn't her fault and it turned out just fine. The last part of the hike was rock climbing. I was too close behind her and she accidentally kicked a rather large rock loose that then hit me in the face, on the nose to be precise. My first thought was that I would have a broken nose or a concussion or something. But as it turned out, it was just a half-inch long cut and some bruising. Don't get me wrong it bled a lot, but of all the things that could/should have happened, we came out alright. It didn't even hurt much. In fact, the YW worried me more than my nose. She was so concerned and felt so bad about it, I kept telling her to stop worrying and that it was fine, but it was a day or two before she could laugh about it with the rest of us. I think it helped us become better friends in the end.

After our adventure - we got lost trying to find our mesa with our packs, but eventually got there and were able to make it to the meeting location for the new RabbitStick we were expecting. Surprise - there were actually 2 new RSs! This changed the dynamic for our band so much but it was an ok change. We were sad to see our Walkabout end with this stellar YW, but everything was in a good place to bring these new YWs into the program and give them a solid foundation for a great start here at Anasazi. They struggled for the first few days and did not like it here, but our girl kept encouraging them and helping them learn how to get into the spirit of the program and make the most of it.

When I left them on Wedneday, one of them was really struggling with homesickness still but with a little more time, she'll be alright. And the other girl had had a total change of heart. She was in it to win it. She had gotten some really great letters from home and was feeling the motivation to make this work. Seeing the light come to her eyes as she learned to make fire and began preparing for a new beginning in her life and with her family was the most beautiful thing. This program is becoming so real to me and right now, I can't imagine doing anything else. I've never had such a hard time coming off the trail and leaving my band behind. I know the other TWs will take good care of them, but I miss them and the awakenings that came from working with them. I love being a TrailWalker.

Figuring It Out

*This is an old one that I forgot to publish. I'll get caught up I promise.

7/24-7/31

After a week like 7/10-7/17, I was a little bit nervous about going back out and my ability to be an effective trailwalker. I know I can hike and take care of the YWs but I want to help them Walk Forward spiritually; I just didn’t feel like I did that last week and I wasn’t so sure I would be able to do that. Especially when I saw that I would be walking with one of the same TWs as last time. I like her and all, but we just didn’t click. And the other TW was someone from the other rotation that I didn’t know and didn’t know if I should be excited to walk with him or not.

I was excited to be with a new group this time – Sinagua! (18+) As we drove to the trail I kept questioning if I should be going out or not, but I knew I was needed and that I was where I was supposed to be. By the time I got to the band though I was feeling better. We started the week with two Sinagua Walkers a guy about 24 (who was on his last week) and a girl who is 19. Then we got a new friend when one of the boys turned 18 and stepped into our band from Boys’ Band, and on Friday we got another friend when a new guy (20) joined the program and came right to our band for RabbitStick.

Despite the fact that Sinagua hike REALLY fast (my short legs struggled to keep up) it was a great week! Everyone had an LDS background (although some don’t really want to go back to that), but it was nice being able to use the LDS language and discuss things on that level. I love the Anasazi language of spirituality, but there’s something even more powerful about straight LDS doctrine, so when you’re able to use that in the band it’s glorious! I had some really good sittings with several of the SWs and I grew a lot from the things we discussed. I grew especially close to the girl in the band. She has made some backwards walking choices and has consequently had a really rough life these last couple years. But, tapping into my missionary mode, I was able to testify of powerful truths and help her feel the strength of the Spirit again. “Can you just bottle up this feeling so I can have it again later when things get harder?” She has a rough road ahead of her, but I know the Lord is strengthening her to handle it well.

My greatest awakening this week came from a verse that I have read a thousand times. Ether 12:6 - "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." I often find myself thinking, I'll do X as long as I can see that it's doing some good. I'll put forth my best efforts as long as I know they are making a difference. But that's not faith. That's asking for a sign from God (bad idea). This week I learned that faith means you won't see it. You won't see the outcome, you won't have evidence that it's working. You just have to trust in God and find comfort in the fact that he's in charge. Do I worry about the Singagua and YoungWalkers I've walked with? Of course, but I know - deep down - that the Lord loves them more than I ever could and that he will not give up on them.