Growing up in the Jenkins house generally involved lots of noise, bouncing off the walls (literally; that was Brett's and my job), and music. Due to the fact that random outbursts of song from any number of members (awkward harmonization included) and dancing around the kitchen were the norm, we would often joke that our life was a musical.
However, a funny realization came to me the other day. As much as we would love to think that our singing and dancing was beautiful and looked well choreographed, the truth is we had really good imaginations. In fact, to call it a musical seems a bit unfair to the actual Idina Menzel's and Heather Headley's of the stage.
When a series of emails passed between me and my brother started with "(this song) reminds me of life right now" I discovered the truth of my childhood. My life isn't a musical, it's a soundtrack! I have theme songs for various eras and events in my life. And based on the growing number of playlists in my Spotify I think I have a problem. But for those of you who haven't experienced it, there's a beautiful satisfaction that comes from finding the perfect song to describe your situation or feelings!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Get Lost
My walking has changed so much in the last couple months, it's been more like a running or a climbing, (the struggle is real). One way that I have grown is being able to get lost.
At the beginning of this year, I took on a new role in the wilderness, I became one of the "veterans" and trainers. This meant I would have an entire band of people depending on me. This thought already intimated me and became the driving fear during an experience where I got lost by myself.Knowing where you are and where you're going is crucial in the wilderness. You can put yourself in great peril if you don't take time to learn your surroundings or plan your path well.
It was the week before I would train and I went to the trail to help with some other responsibilities. One of those responsibilities was going into the bands to deliver some supplies. I was alone for this adventure and by the time I finished in the bands it was already dark. I quite the hike ahead of me to get from the bands to our base camp and the area we were staying in was new to me. Despite getting directions from several trustworthy helpers, I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in on an unfamiliar path. When I reached the main road I didn't that passed through the area I didn't know if I should follow it to the right or the left. My gut instinct told me to go left and I set off under the stars hoping that this was the right direction.
As I walked along, with little more than the stars to orient I began to worry about my ability to orient. If I could get so disoriented at a place that should have been easy to navigate how was I to lead a group of YoungWalkers and trainees through the back-country? Profound doubts troubled my heart as I walked that quiet path.
I wasn't too worried about my physical well being. Though it was taking longer than I expected, I was comforted by the fact that I knew I had he stamina to wander all night if needed and I felt safe there in the wilderness that I had called "home" for 8 months. It wasn't until I ran into a ranch near the road that I started to worry. I didn't recognize this place and didn't know if it presented any danger. For the first time in a long time, I was afraid.
With nothing more than a compass and my vague memories of this new area, and no way to contact my team, I did the only thing I could do - I got on my knees. Never have I wanted so badly to be back in my safe place. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable and ached for the safety and comfort of my friends and fellow TrailWalkers around a bright, warm fire. As I called on the heavens to lead me I felt little direct guidance. But standing up, I remembered the saying of a mission companion - "The Lord can't lead us if we're standing still." Reasoning that the ranch was too far and I had been hiking the wrong way, I turned around and began walking the other direction. However, it only took about 5 steps before it felt distinctly wrong. I turned around, still very unsure of my reasoning, but trusting in what I felt. It took another 10 minutes or so (which felt like an hour) but I did finally arrive at my camp.
Rarely have I been so grateful to arrive at my destination. Seeing the faces of my beloved friends and feeling the safety of that place was true peace. But what's more - I learned that I can navigate, not necessarily by the a compass, GPS or even the stars, but by my heart and the love that a Father in Heaven has for me. I can navigate spiritually.
While I still have much honing to do of this unique instrument, it was a beautiful lesson in trusting the Lord, trusting myself and walking forward despite doubts, "reason", or my own shortsightedness. We must let ourselves get lost from ourselves if we are ever to find the Lord. So get out there. Leave your comfort zone. And let the Lord take you where you really need to be.
At the beginning of this year, I took on a new role in the wilderness, I became one of the "veterans" and trainers. This meant I would have an entire band of people depending on me. This thought already intimated me and became the driving fear during an experience where I got lost by myself.Knowing where you are and where you're going is crucial in the wilderness. You can put yourself in great peril if you don't take time to learn your surroundings or plan your path well.
It was the week before I would train and I went to the trail to help with some other responsibilities. One of those responsibilities was going into the bands to deliver some supplies. I was alone for this adventure and by the time I finished in the bands it was already dark. I quite the hike ahead of me to get from the bands to our base camp and the area we were staying in was new to me. Despite getting directions from several trustworthy helpers, I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in on an unfamiliar path. When I reached the main road I didn't that passed through the area I didn't know if I should follow it to the right or the left. My gut instinct told me to go left and I set off under the stars hoping that this was the right direction.
As I walked along, with little more than the stars to orient I began to worry about my ability to orient. If I could get so disoriented at a place that should have been easy to navigate how was I to lead a group of YoungWalkers and trainees through the back-country? Profound doubts troubled my heart as I walked that quiet path.
I wasn't too worried about my physical well being. Though it was taking longer than I expected, I was comforted by the fact that I knew I had he stamina to wander all night if needed and I felt safe there in the wilderness that I had called "home" for 8 months. It wasn't until I ran into a ranch near the road that I started to worry. I didn't recognize this place and didn't know if it presented any danger. For the first time in a long time, I was afraid.
With nothing more than a compass and my vague memories of this new area, and no way to contact my team, I did the only thing I could do - I got on my knees. Never have I wanted so badly to be back in my safe place. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable and ached for the safety and comfort of my friends and fellow TrailWalkers around a bright, warm fire. As I called on the heavens to lead me I felt little direct guidance. But standing up, I remembered the saying of a mission companion - "The Lord can't lead us if we're standing still." Reasoning that the ranch was too far and I had been hiking the wrong way, I turned around and began walking the other direction. However, it only took about 5 steps before it felt distinctly wrong. I turned around, still very unsure of my reasoning, but trusting in what I felt. It took another 10 minutes or so (which felt like an hour) but I did finally arrive at my camp.
Rarely have I been so grateful to arrive at my destination. Seeing the faces of my beloved friends and feeling the safety of that place was true peace. But what's more - I learned that I can navigate, not necessarily by the a compass, GPS or even the stars, but by my heart and the love that a Father in Heaven has for me. I can navigate spiritually.
While I still have much honing to do of this unique instrument, it was a beautiful lesson in trusting the Lord, trusting myself and walking forward despite doubts, "reason", or my own shortsightedness. We must let ourselves get lost from ourselves if we are ever to find the Lord. So get out there. Leave your comfort zone. And let the Lord take you where you really need to be.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Learning to Wait
*Sorry I have been remiss in my posts recently. When it comes down to either writing about my adventures or going out and having more, the latter generally wins. But I have at least a half-dozen posts started and will be better at finishing/sharing them.
The Creator has spent many years teaching
me to get off my duff, on my feet and do something. I’m sure it’s been very
difficult for him, but he’s been patient and has lovingly guided my heart to be
proactive. Now, He’s teaching me Faith in Action Part II – waiting.
A couple months ago, I was in an accident going to the trail.
I was the leader and the one who had to figure out the situation and make the
call on what we would do. We were about halfway between town and the bands and
couldn’t decide whether it would be better to go back and, get in touch with
the office and get help or walk towards the bands and hope we made it in time.
Normally we have communication materials to help us contact each end of the
route, but there had been several mix-ups and misunderstandings that morning
and all we had was my cell phone. Unfortunately, we were too far out for me to
have much reception, but after sending word in several different forms to my
leaders, we went back to the car and I suggested the visitors do a ponderings
camp while we sat there waiting for help. They could take a few minutes,
meditate, pray, and prepare themselves for the unique opportunities that
awaited them on the trail. I however, was struggling to sit. I’d grown so used
to jumping into go-mode that I felt lost unless I was working toward my
destination.
As I began a plea to the Creator to send help or tell me
what to do next I received this instead. “Alicia,” he said, “You have done all
you can. You have worked hard and done your very best. That’s all you ask of
anyone else, and that’s all I ask of you. Now, I need to you be still and let
me do my part. I promise I am taking care of you.”
What do you do when you can’t do anything? Trust – in the
Lord, in your efforts, and in the lessons you will gain because of your
experiences. He is in it. He is in charge and He wants nothing but good things
for us.
As my walking continues to change, I still get ahead of
myself sometimes. I want to hurry to the finish line and know what the Lord
wants for me. (*Patience – especially with life – has never been my strongest
suit) But it’s not a race, and there is no Final Destination. There’s only
today and what I can do with the present. And once I’ve done all I can, I need
to be still and see the Creator’s hand in all things. I’m learning how to wait
with the Lord.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Mirrors
"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, I really don't understand why you always ask why I like you, it seems so obvious to me."
Self-image is such an interesting concept. I've now had sittings with several people who I think the world of and look up to so much and during the sitting I discovered that they don't see themselves the way I see them. I see these strong, yet gentle women who are doing the Creator's will and inviting others to know Him better. I see woman who are beautiful and intelligent and funny. Women who could do anything they want, who could change the world if they so decided. Yet they look in the mirror and see mostly flaws, shortcomings and imperfection.
And the weirdest thing: they look at me and see the same wonderful things, while I'm looking in the mirror and see immense inadequacy and failures.
For some reason that I haven't come to understand yet, the Creator has put us in a world where we never really see ourselves. I can look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and see a close representation, but it's never really me. Then I can look at others and see their truest self, but they don't get to see that, they will only ever see reflections (deficient reflections that magnify the imperfections of the individual and obscure the real beauty there).
So, how can we know who we really are if there's no mirror to understand ourselves? In the book The Seven Paths, the narrator shares a powerful concept; that 'We [others] appear as We [ourselves] are.' To see another is to see oneself. So when we look at the people around us and see that we are surrounded by good, wonderful and uplifting people, it tells us something incredible about ourselves - we too are good, wonderful and uplifting. Whoever you are with, they are the mirrors of your heart. If you want to see yourself, appreciate all the good in the people closest to you and recognize that, although you can't really see yourself and there's no mirror to show you how you truly look, the people around you see your truth and choose to be with you for it. Let them be your mirror and help you see how wonderful you are.
*Sidenote on perfection - Yesterday, while working on skills with a group of friends, one of them was working on a gatherings bag. These are special bags that everyone who walks the Anasazi trail is encouraged to make since it will aid them in their walking. These bags are handmade by each individual and therefore, no two bags are alike. The person making his yesterday was stressing over messing up with his bag and one of the others said something incredibly profound: "The more imperfect - the more beautiful." Perfection is something we find in factories that produce everything to be the same and unspecial. Imperfection is unique, it's what sets us all apart from each other and makes life fun and interesting and enjoyable. Imperfection IS beauty!
Self-image is such an interesting concept. I've now had sittings with several people who I think the world of and look up to so much and during the sitting I discovered that they don't see themselves the way I see them. I see these strong, yet gentle women who are doing the Creator's will and inviting others to know Him better. I see woman who are beautiful and intelligent and funny. Women who could do anything they want, who could change the world if they so decided. Yet they look in the mirror and see mostly flaws, shortcomings and imperfection.
And the weirdest thing: they look at me and see the same wonderful things, while I'm looking in the mirror and see immense inadequacy and failures.
For some reason that I haven't come to understand yet, the Creator has put us in a world where we never really see ourselves. I can look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and see a close representation, but it's never really me. Then I can look at others and see their truest self, but they don't get to see that, they will only ever see reflections (deficient reflections that magnify the imperfections of the individual and obscure the real beauty there).
So, how can we know who we really are if there's no mirror to understand ourselves? In the book The Seven Paths, the narrator shares a powerful concept; that 'We [others] appear as We [ourselves] are.' To see another is to see oneself. So when we look at the people around us and see that we are surrounded by good, wonderful and uplifting people, it tells us something incredible about ourselves - we too are good, wonderful and uplifting. Whoever you are with, they are the mirrors of your heart. If you want to see yourself, appreciate all the good in the people closest to you and recognize that, although you can't really see yourself and there's no mirror to show you how you truly look, the people around you see your truth and choose to be with you for it. Let them be your mirror and help you see how wonderful you are.
 |
| Just a FEW of the fantastic people I'm surrounded by! |
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Finally Finding Hope
On January 25th, I will have been home from my LDS mission for exactly 3 years! It's crazy to think about all that has happened in that time, but what's even more incredible to me is the wonderful opportunities and powerful awakenings I've been given since then. At the beginning of my mission, while still in the Missionary Training Center, I remember spending a lot of time trying to understand Hope.
We talk a lot about hope and how important it is for true happiness. The scriptures remind us again and again that faith, hope and charity bring salvation, but what is hope? For so long and based on how people explained it, it seemed like the same thing as faith - a belief in something that you can't see but you trust in. This week on the trail, as I pondered on the YoungWalkers that I get to work with and help them prepare to go home and face their trials again I though a lot about hope and had an awakening that has changed my understanding and my walking.
Faith is based on the past, charity is based on the present, and hope is based on the future. We have faith in something because all our previous experience with that thing tells us that it will work out. We know the sun will rise in the morning because it always has before. Charity is love for the people we are surrounded by and taking the time to love and serve them, even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. While hope is believing in something regardless of past experience or in spite of where we are now. I have hope that I will be able to be with my family for eternity even though I have no experience in that area and mortal reason would say that is preposterous.
Hope is essential for happiness because it allows us to know that, even though we have made a mess of things in the past and although we've struggled with something numerous times, we can trust that one day all that will be in our past and we will struggle with it no more. We can trust that the Creator will help us become better and we will overcome our weaknesses even though they have defeated us so many times.
Hope will get us through the hardest times and allow us to continue walking forward in the storms of life. Without it - everything is more diffiicult; with it - anything is possible.
We talk a lot about hope and how important it is for true happiness. The scriptures remind us again and again that faith, hope and charity bring salvation, but what is hope? For so long and based on how people explained it, it seemed like the same thing as faith - a belief in something that you can't see but you trust in. This week on the trail, as I pondered on the YoungWalkers that I get to work with and help them prepare to go home and face their trials again I though a lot about hope and had an awakening that has changed my understanding and my walking.
Faith is based on the past, charity is based on the present, and hope is based on the future. We have faith in something because all our previous experience with that thing tells us that it will work out. We know the sun will rise in the morning because it always has before. Charity is love for the people we are surrounded by and taking the time to love and serve them, even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. While hope is believing in something regardless of past experience or in spite of where we are now. I have hope that I will be able to be with my family for eternity even though I have no experience in that area and mortal reason would say that is preposterous.
Hope is essential for happiness because it allows us to know that, even though we have made a mess of things in the past and although we've struggled with something numerous times, we can trust that one day all that will be in our past and we will struggle with it no more. We can trust that the Creator will help us become better and we will overcome our weaknesses even though they have defeated us so many times.
Hope will get us through the hardest times and allow us to continue walking forward in the storms of life. Without it - everything is more diffiicult; with it - anything is possible.
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