After the last couple weeks on the trail I feel like I could do this forever. This last week was so great! I was in an awesome band and things couldn't have gone better! There was adventure, struggle, growth and smiles; everything a TrailWalker could ask for rolled up into 8 days. In fact, leaving the trail on Wednesday was the hardest it's ever been.
It started off a little crazy. I had been hoping and almost planning to be put in Sinagua again and walk with my beloved SWs from last week. That morning, I had to really prepare myself for the fact that anything could happen and trust that wherever I was put, the Creator was in it and it would be for the best. When we got our assignments this faith was tested. I was put in Girls' Band again - with one YW in particular that I've walked with twice already and not really been able to connect with. Let me clarify that statement, she was a little bipolar with me; one second she would be upset that I made a suggestion to her and the next, she was wondering if I could walk with her for her Dawnstar week - I never really knew where I stood with her.
Anyway, I embraced the fact that this is where I would be (oh and I was walking with another TW that I walked with for the past two weeks, haha) and prepared for another crazy week on the trail. But, through a crazy little turn of events, I ended up being switched to the other Girls' Band (I'd heard great things about the girl in that band and was excited about the new possibilities, but a little whiplashed from the last minute change (it came when we were about to hike into our bands).
So, I found myself in a band with 3 TWs, 1 YW and the possibility of a RabbitStick (YW brand new to the program). Typically, with YWs the system seems to be: when you need it but don't want it, then you must stay; when you want it, but no longer need it, then you must go. The first girl in this band may be the exception to that. I had heard nothing but good things about her and they were all so true. She was only on her 2nd full week in the program but she seemed so much more experienced. Usually YWs are pretty angry or forlorn for the first couple weeks and it takes them a while to warm up to the program and get into the swing of things. She was so into it already. In fact, on Thursday or Saturday she was saying things like, "I never want to leave this place. I love it here so much."
On Thursday morning, we found out about Jerky Butte. This was a pretty tall mountain near the path we wanted to take to Final D, but the allure of it was the call of adventure - there are Native American ruins on top! So we hiked to a cow tank at the base of the butte and spent the night at one of the best spots ever. we found an open spot on top of a small mesa, where we could see the entire sky! I've never seen so many stars in my life. Then, the next morning, we got up, packed up, left our stuff on the mesa so we could hike fast and went up the butte. It was incredible! There were partial walls up there where you could see they had some small buildings of some sort, whether they were homes or places of worship they had definitely chosen a great spot. You could see forever up there. It was the tallest point for miles so you really felt like you were on top of the world. And - there was a cherry tree up there! So we sat on top of the world, eating cherries and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment at what we had just done.
*Note - we did have a minor accident climbing up. The YW felt really bad, but it wasn't her fault and it turned out just fine. The last part of the hike was rock climbing. I was too close behind her and she accidentally kicked a rather large rock loose that then hit me in the face, on the nose to be precise. My first thought was that I would have a broken nose or a concussion or something. But as it turned out, it was just a half-inch long cut and some bruising. Don't get me wrong it bled a lot, but of all the things that could/should have happened, we came out alright. It didn't even hurt much. In fact, the YW worried me more than my nose. She was so concerned and felt so bad about it, I kept telling her to stop worrying and that it was fine, but it was a day or two before she could laugh about it with the rest of us. I think it helped us become better friends in the end.
After our adventure - we got lost trying to find our mesa with our packs, but eventually got there and were able to make it to the meeting location for the new RabbitStick we were expecting. Surprise - there were actually 2 new RSs! This changed the dynamic for our band so much but it was an ok change. We were sad to see our Walkabout end with this stellar YW, but everything was in a good place to bring these new YWs into the program and give them a solid foundation for a great start here at Anasazi. They struggled for the first few days and did not like it here, but our girl kept encouraging them and helping them learn how to get into the spirit of the program and make the most of it.
When I left them on Wedneday, one of them was really struggling with homesickness still but with a little more time, she'll be alright. And the other girl had had a total change of heart. She was in it to win it. She had gotten some really great letters from home and was feeling the motivation to make this work. Seeing the light come to her eyes as she learned to make fire and began preparing for a new beginning in her life and with her family was the most beautiful thing. This program is becoming so real to me and right now, I can't imagine doing anything else. I've never had such a hard time coming off the trail and leaving my band behind. I know the other TWs will take good care of them, but I miss them and the awakenings that came from working with them. I love being a TrailWalker.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Figuring It Out
*This is an old one that I forgot to publish. I'll get caught up I promise.
7/24-7/31
7/24-7/31
After a week like 7/10-7/17, I was a little bit nervous
about going back out and my ability to be an effective trailwalker. I know I
can hike and take care of the YWs but I want to help them Walk Forward
spiritually; I just didn’t feel like I did that last week and I wasn’t so sure
I would be able to do that. Especially when I saw that I would be walking with
one of the same TWs as last time. I like her and all, but we just didn’t click.
And the other TW was someone from the other rotation that I didn’t know and
didn’t know if I should be excited to walk with him or not.
I was excited to be with a new group this time – Sinagua! (18+)
As we drove to the trail I kept questioning if I should be going out or not,
but I knew I was needed and that I was where I was supposed to be. By the time
I got to the band though I was feeling better. We started the week with two
Sinagua Walkers a guy about 24 (who was on his last week) and a girl who is 19.
Then we got a new friend when one of the boys turned 18 and stepped into our
band from Boys’ Band, and on Friday we got another friend when a new guy (20)
joined the program and came right to our band for RabbitStick.
Despite the fact that Sinagua hike REALLY fast (my short
legs struggled to keep up) it was a great week! Everyone had an LDS background
(although some don’t really want to go back to that), but it was nice being
able to use the LDS language and discuss things on that level. I love the
Anasazi language of spirituality, but there’s something even more powerful about
straight LDS doctrine, so when you’re able to use that in the band it’s
glorious! I had some really good sittings with several of the SWs and I grew a
lot from the things we discussed. I grew especially close to the girl in the
band. She has made some backwards walking choices and has consequently had a
really rough life these last couple years. But, tapping into my missionary
mode, I was able to testify of powerful truths and help her feel the strength
of the Spirit again. “Can you just bottle up this feeling so I can have it
again later when things get harder?” She has a rough road ahead of her, but I
know the Lord is strengthening her to handle it well.
My greatest awakening this week came from a verse that I have read a thousand times. Ether 12:6 - "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." I often find myself thinking, I'll do X as long as I can see that it's doing some good. I'll put forth my best efforts as long as I know they are making a difference. But that's not faith. That's asking for a sign from God (bad idea). This week I learned that faith means you won't see it. You won't see the outcome, you won't have evidence that it's working. You just have to trust in God and find comfort in the fact that he's in charge. Do I worry about the Singagua and YoungWalkers I've walked with? Of course, but I know - deep down - that the Lord loves them more than I ever could and that he will not give up on them.
My greatest awakening this week came from a verse that I have read a thousand times. Ether 12:6 - "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." I often find myself thinking, I'll do X as long as I can see that it's doing some good. I'll put forth my best efforts as long as I know they are making a difference. But that's not faith. That's asking for a sign from God (bad idea). This week I learned that faith means you won't see it. You won't see the outcome, you won't have evidence that it's working. You just have to trust in God and find comfort in the fact that he's in charge. Do I worry about the Singagua and YoungWalkers I've walked with? Of course, but I know - deep down - that the Lord loves them more than I ever could and that he will not give up on them.
Monday, August 5, 2013
A New Kind of Hard
So, the last time I was on the trail it was an incredibly humbling experience physically speaking. I couldn't get hydrated and I was completely drained of energy by the end of the week. This time I was so strong physically, but there were emotional and spiritual trials to learn from.
Last Wednesday, as we were preparing to go out, I learned that I would be with girls band again. This meant walking with several of the girls I had walked with the week before. Normally, I would be excited to walk with YWs that I had walked with before, and I was a little bit. But the last time I walked with them I was not myself, and I was hoping for a new beginning this week. Then, when we arrived at ridge, (this is where we get organized before heading into the camp spots for the different bands) we learned that there were some issues in our band. One of the girls had cut herself and we had to watch her closely throughout the week to prevent any further self-harm. She hadn’t been feeling well the last couple weeks and had sat (and then been driven to Final D) but it was our job to get her to hike this week. This meant that she needed to actually eat, drink water, and walk forward. These are all things that you can’t force someone to do if they don’t want to and her at Anasazi we never force, only invite them to make a good choice and leave it up to them.
Last Wednesday, as we were preparing to go out, I learned that I would be with girls band again. This meant walking with several of the girls I had walked with the week before. Normally, I would be excited to walk with YWs that I had walked with before, and I was a little bit. But the last time I walked with them I was not myself, and I was hoping for a new beginning this week. Then, when we arrived at ridge, (this is where we get organized before heading into the camp spots for the different bands) we learned that there were some issues in our band. One of the girls had cut herself and we had to watch her closely throughout the week to prevent any further self-harm. She hadn’t been feeling well the last couple weeks and had sat (and then been driven to Final D) but it was our job to get her to hike this week. This meant that she needed to actually eat, drink water, and walk forward. These are all things that you can’t force someone to do if they don’t want to and her at Anasazi we never force, only invite them to make a good choice and leave it up to them.
The week started pretty rough when she wasn’t feeling well
and came to me to say she didn’t think she could hike. I was flattered by this
trust, however, when we pow-wowed about it and talked to RidgeWalk and it was
decided that we had to hike, guess who was the bad guy – yep, the one who she
confided in but made her hike anyway: me (and the lead TrailWalker). Thus we
spent a good chunk of the next week being more or less hated by this girl, and
since she is pretty influential, when she was hating us, much of the band was
upset with us too. There were a couple girls in the band that were ok with us,
but they didn’t want to go against their friends, so they just didn’t participate
in the complaining.
The incredible thing is: we did it. Somehow – thanks to our
WindWalker, and much help from the Creator – we hiked all the way to Final D.
Granted we may or may not have had to carry this YoungWalkers pack for a day or
two of the hiking, but we only did it when we could tell that she wanted to
Walk Forward but didn’t have the physical ability to do so. She walked the
whole way though from start to finish, and seeing that, and being able to point
out what she accomplished, was success for me and the other TWs.
There were a lot of experiences from the week, but the one
that I want to expound on came as I was carrying this girl’s pack on top of my
own. I had a lot of awakenings as I sought to serve this girl that was more
upset with me than I’ve ever experienced. As I carried this girl’s burden, I
couldn’t help but think of Jesus telling the Jews that “whosoever shall compel
thee to go a mile, go with him twain (Matt. 5:41).” Feeling the weight of this
girl’s pack on my shoulders, I began to understand why that would have been
such an difficult concept for the Jews. I then thought of the ‘Secret of the Second
Mile’
*For those of you unfamiliar with this concept here it is from a talk by
Vaughn J. Featherstone: “In ancient … times, soldiers could [force]
teen-age boys in Roman provinces to carry their heavy backpacks for one mile,
but no more. In a typical scene, we would see a soldier walk into a community.
A teen-age boy sees him and starts to run and hide. The boy knows that if the
soldier has seen him that he will be caught and whipped for running. The
soldier does see the boy and motions for him to come and pick up the heavy
backpack. Reluctantly, the boy shoulders the heavy load. The soldier motions
toward the road leading out of town, and together they trudge toward the first
mile marker.
“When the marker comes into sight,
the soldier motions for the boy to put the pack down. The boy instead agrees to
carry the pack another mile. The soldier reminds him that only one mile is
required. However, the boy agrees to go ’the second mile.’ As they continue
down the road, the soldier begins to talk with the boy. He asks him if he has
seen the mighty ocean. The boy replies ‘No,’ so the soldier gives descriptive
accounts of his adventures on the high seas. The soldier then relates stories
about military campaigns in distant countries and describes snow covered
mountains, which the lad has never seen.
“The vivid accounts stir the
imagination of the young lad as he hears the tales of the seas and of distant
lands. The second mile goes quickly, and the boy discovers the secret of ‘going
the second mile.’ You go the first mile and you discharge a duty; you go the
second mile and you make a friend. The great men and women in history have been
those willing to go the second mile.”
I’ve never had as much energy on the trail as I did when I
was striving to prove my love to this girl as well as myself. Also, as I carried her pack, she walked with
me; these were the moments when I got to see her at her most real. We had some
good discussions and I enjoyed the chance to talk to her and share real truths about
her worth and her creator. (I think I’ll have to do another entry about lessons
on the atonement from the trail.)
It was a hard week, but I learned so much and I'm so grateful for the growth that came from it. It was truly a refining fire.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Birthday Trail
You know what I got for my birthday?
Bruises, I got tons of bruises all over my legs!
I guess that's the price of adventuring though. Particularly when your adventure involves scaling mountains and swimming up waterfalls. This last week on the trail was the craziest! (And the lead TrailWalker for my band has been here 9 months and she admits it was the craziest). If you can imagine it we did it. Tons of up and overs, a few swimmers (we really did have to climb a waterfall and it was ridiculous), rock climbing, hiking up dry ravines, drinking from cow tanks, etc.
The first couple days I was charged! I was feeling so good and ready to take on the world! The started to get a bit tired the day of the swimmers but bounced back and kept charging ahead. But by Sunday, I hit a wall. Suddenly, every step was the most laborious effort and all I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. After taking a Wilderness First Aid class on Fri and Sat I learned about "hyponatremia" and I think that's what I had. I was drinking water like mad but it never seemed enough. I still always felt dehydrated. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I know to keep a salty snack on me at all times and put some salt in my canteens whenever I fill up. It's funny, retaining water is such a bad thing when you're at home, but out there you really need to.
Anyway, this week was hard. I feel pretty safe saying it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not that other things I've dealt with (college, mission, etc) weren't intensely difficult, but this was different. This was all around difficult. College was a test of my mental capacity. The mission pushed my spiritual and emotional limits. But this tested it all and all at once. I was physically exhausted in a way that I have never felt, it was like there wasn't an ounce of energy in my whole being. And while physically depleted the mental attack begins: what am I doing here? I'm not even contributing. Why am I putting myself through this?! I can't do this. And the emotional/spiritual battle, I'm here for these girls but I can't even help them like I'm supposed to. How can I help them learn and grow when I can't even move? Why am I so weak? Why is this happening to me? Where is the creator when I need him? Why is he not making this better so I can actually fulfill my purpose here?
Luckily, he carried my feet through and surrounded me with angels to help me. These angels didn't all come in at once but he brought them at just the right times. One of them was another TrailWalker. Just when I would be ready to give up and relent that I just couldn't do it, she would step in and give me the courage and hope to keep going. She probably doesn't realize just what a difference her little pep talks made and how much strength I gained from knowing she believed in me but she was the angel bearing me up from D&C 84:88
Another angel came when I got off the trail. This was my first week on the trail without her and yet, in a way, she was with me the whole time. We crossed paths a few times and each time was a glorious reunion! We also had very similar experiences this week and being able to talk about it afterwards with someone who understood was something I needed. She has a way of making things feel ok and showing that maybe I wasn't a total failure in my efforts on the trail. Granted I may not have made the kind of impact that I wanted but maybe my experiences and my hardships taught the girls in the way they needed most this week.
And the creator gave me an angel of a mentor. She said exactly what I needed to hear and because I respect her so much and I know her character, I know that it wasn't empty words to her. She knows the trail (the one in the mountains and the one in the heart) and when she says what I bring to the trail I know that she means it and that it's real.
One day I hope to be an angel to others the way these wonderful people have been to me but in the meantime, I am learning so much from my walking. It's interesting: before coming here, I seemed to have this arrogant idea that I would come here and help others learn from their experiences and their consequences without having to deal with the trials and consequences myself. Good thing the Lord is patient and lets us continue to grow.
Bruises, I got tons of bruises all over my legs!
The first couple days I was charged! I was feeling so good and ready to take on the world! The started to get a bit tired the day of the swimmers but bounced back and kept charging ahead. But by Sunday, I hit a wall. Suddenly, every step was the most laborious effort and all I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. After taking a Wilderness First Aid class on Fri and Sat I learned about "hyponatremia" and I think that's what I had. I was drinking water like mad but it never seemed enough. I still always felt dehydrated. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I know to keep a salty snack on me at all times and put some salt in my canteens whenever I fill up. It's funny, retaining water is such a bad thing when you're at home, but out there you really need to.
Anyway, this week was hard. I feel pretty safe saying it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not that other things I've dealt with (college, mission, etc) weren't intensely difficult, but this was different. This was all around difficult. College was a test of my mental capacity. The mission pushed my spiritual and emotional limits. But this tested it all and all at once. I was physically exhausted in a way that I have never felt, it was like there wasn't an ounce of energy in my whole being. And while physically depleted the mental attack begins: what am I doing here? I'm not even contributing. Why am I putting myself through this?! I can't do this. And the emotional/spiritual battle, I'm here for these girls but I can't even help them like I'm supposed to. How can I help them learn and grow when I can't even move? Why am I so weak? Why is this happening to me? Where is the creator when I need him? Why is he not making this better so I can actually fulfill my purpose here?
Luckily, he carried my feet through and surrounded me with angels to help me. These angels didn't all come in at once but he brought them at just the right times. One of them was another TrailWalker. Just when I would be ready to give up and relent that I just couldn't do it, she would step in and give me the courage and hope to keep going. She probably doesn't realize just what a difference her little pep talks made and how much strength I gained from knowing she believed in me but she was the angel bearing me up from D&C 84:88
Another angel came when I got off the trail. This was my first week on the trail without her and yet, in a way, she was with me the whole time. We crossed paths a few times and each time was a glorious reunion! We also had very similar experiences this week and being able to talk about it afterwards with someone who understood was something I needed. She has a way of making things feel ok and showing that maybe I wasn't a total failure in my efforts on the trail. Granted I may not have made the kind of impact that I wanted but maybe my experiences and my hardships taught the girls in the way they needed most this week.
And the creator gave me an angel of a mentor. She said exactly what I needed to hear and because I respect her so much and I know her character, I know that it wasn't empty words to her. She knows the trail (the one in the mountains and the one in the heart) and when she says what I bring to the trail I know that she means it and that it's real.
One day I hope to be an angel to others the way these wonderful people have been to me but in the meantime, I am learning so much from my walking. It's interesting: before coming here, I seemed to have this arrogant idea that I would come here and help others learn from their experiences and their consequences without having to deal with the trials and consequences myself. Good thing the Lord is patient and lets us continue to grow.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Update/Novel of my Recent Life
Since I posted last, my life has had several new developments and twists that I didn't expect. I'll give a quick overview and then go into depth a bit .I successfully completed my student teaching in Arizona, officially graduated, spent some time in Utah and Idaho, and started a new job (back in Arizona)...in the mountains.
These past 6 months have flown by! I came down to Mesa at the beginning of January with my mom (at the last second we decided she should make the road trip with me and it was so much better to have a navigator/driving buddy!). I showed up at Summit Academy (a middle school that takes part in the International Baccalaureate Programme) where I would work with about 150 8th graders. I had a great mentor teacher, excellent student teaching supervisor and a wonderful experience. So much so that I was reconsidering my grad school plans and thinking that I might actually want to be in the classroom for a few years. This probably seems obvious for an education major, but as I finished my time at BYUI I began thinking that a traditional classroom was not right for me and that - as soon as I paid my time, made the field services office happy, and graduated - I wouldn't set foot in a classroom again. However, I loved my teaching time and started reconsidering this plan. Maybe grad school could wait.
However, my time in Mesa also brought another option to the surface. Fall semester, I lived with a fantastic friend named Alex. Alex spent last summer working for a wilderness therapy program in Mesa and spent the semester trying to get me to do it. When I got to Mesa, I discovered that the program's office was right near my student teaching friends' house, thus I passed it every time I would visit them (which was quite a lot) and each time it reminded me of all the wonderful things Alex had to say about this program and what a great experience I could have there.
As the semester came to an end, real choices were coming. I decided to put all my feelers out there and let the Lord help me decide. I sent resumes or applications to at least a dozen schools, I filled out the Anasazi application and I followed up on a few of these. My top choices were either Anasazi or a school district in northern Utah. In the end, it was Anasazi that contacted me and asked me to come to their May training. I told them yes, but still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted most.
After student teaching ended, I went up to Utah and Idaho to spend some time with family and get things figured out. This "figuring things out" proved to be harder than I wanted (although, just as hard as I'd expected :P ). I spent a lot of time pondering, praying and fasting about where I was supposed to go. I felt like Anasazi was right. By this time though, I was getting a little...no, a lot nervous about doing Anasazi. I started realizing just how intense this program was and was scared that I was not up to the challenge. Thanks to some guidance and help from my wonderful parents though I decided to give it a shot and see what happens.
That was almost two months ago. I now find myself heading out on the trail for 8 days at a time and meeting the most wonderful people I could imagine. Alex was right, this is the closest thing to going on a mission that you will find. I get to help those who have lost their way and are seeking the right path, I get to testify of eternal truths like the creator that knows and loves them and I get to do it all in the beautiful wilderness of Arizona's Tonto National Forest. Can life get any better. I actually find myself yearning for the wilderness and sad when it's time to come back to the real world. Life is so much better on the trail. It's simple and clear. Right and wrong are marked in black and white/pain v. not pain. And the trail is where we can really come to know ourselves and what we are capable of.
So that's what I am doing now. I don't know how long the creator will keep me here but I hope it's about a year. We have lots of adventures and can't take cameras so this will be the place that I come to tell about them and hopefully we can all learn something from my experiences.
Sure Love Ya
These past 6 months have flown by! I came down to Mesa at the beginning of January with my mom (at the last second we decided she should make the road trip with me and it was so much better to have a navigator/driving buddy!). I showed up at Summit Academy (a middle school that takes part in the International Baccalaureate Programme) where I would work with about 150 8th graders. I had a great mentor teacher, excellent student teaching supervisor and a wonderful experience. So much so that I was reconsidering my grad school plans and thinking that I might actually want to be in the classroom for a few years. This probably seems obvious for an education major, but as I finished my time at BYUI I began thinking that a traditional classroom was not right for me and that - as soon as I paid my time, made the field services office happy, and graduated - I wouldn't set foot in a classroom again. However, I loved my teaching time and started reconsidering this plan. Maybe grad school could wait.
However, my time in Mesa also brought another option to the surface. Fall semester, I lived with a fantastic friend named Alex. Alex spent last summer working for a wilderness therapy program in Mesa and spent the semester trying to get me to do it. When I got to Mesa, I discovered that the program's office was right near my student teaching friends' house, thus I passed it every time I would visit them (which was quite a lot) and each time it reminded me of all the wonderful things Alex had to say about this program and what a great experience I could have there.
As the semester came to an end, real choices were coming. I decided to put all my feelers out there and let the Lord help me decide. I sent resumes or applications to at least a dozen schools, I filled out the Anasazi application and I followed up on a few of these. My top choices were either Anasazi or a school district in northern Utah. In the end, it was Anasazi that contacted me and asked me to come to their May training. I told them yes, but still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted most.
After student teaching ended, I went up to Utah and Idaho to spend some time with family and get things figured out. This "figuring things out" proved to be harder than I wanted (although, just as hard as I'd expected :P ). I spent a lot of time pondering, praying and fasting about where I was supposed to go. I felt like Anasazi was right. By this time though, I was getting a little...no, a lot nervous about doing Anasazi. I started realizing just how intense this program was and was scared that I was not up to the challenge. Thanks to some guidance and help from my wonderful parents though I decided to give it a shot and see what happens.
That was almost two months ago. I now find myself heading out on the trail for 8 days at a time and meeting the most wonderful people I could imagine. Alex was right, this is the closest thing to going on a mission that you will find. I get to help those who have lost their way and are seeking the right path, I get to testify of eternal truths like the creator that knows and loves them and I get to do it all in the beautiful wilderness of Arizona's Tonto National Forest. Can life get any better. I actually find myself yearning for the wilderness and sad when it's time to come back to the real world. Life is so much better on the trail. It's simple and clear. Right and wrong are marked in black and white/pain v. not pain. And the trail is where we can really come to know ourselves and what we are capable of.
So that's what I am doing now. I don't know how long the creator will keep me here but I hope it's about a year. We have lots of adventures and can't take cameras so this will be the place that I come to tell about them and hopefully we can all learn something from my experiences.
Sure Love Ya
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