Merry Christmas and Happy New Beginnings

Occasionally the creator let's us try again at something that we struggled with the first time. I find that in my life, I oscillate between feeling strong/confident/able and weak/insecure/incapable. Sometimes I spend a long time in one or the other, but the good news is, the Lord never lets me stay down for long. It's a long climb back up from weakness and magnified imperfection, but the ascent is what builds my strengths so I can reach new heights and continually grow.

I've recently been pondering on this process and the fact that it's never too late for a new beginning. I have a good friend who came through the Anasazi program this last summer. They did very well, and we were all so proud to see the new person they became and how strong they were when it was time to go home. Then, a few weeks ago, I received a message from this person that they had fallen and were coming back to Anasazi for another round. Fortunately, it was my week to help with new-intakes so I was able to be there for this friend as they came back and started again. This individual really struggled with forgiving themselves. They saw coming back as a sign that they failed and weren't worth a second chance. How grateful I am that this isn't true. We've all had those experiences where we are born again and are determined to never fall into our old ways again. However, Satan knows our weaknesses and he's not going to relent if he thinks there's a chance of bringing us down. But the Savior of the world knows how to descend below all things and lift us up. His very glory and joy comes from helping us wipe off the dust and stand again.

I am so imperfect, it's ridiculous. I don't know how God can see my infinite potential through all the mistakes I make on an hourly basis. But he does and he is stronger than anything in this world. So, when we let his will be our guide, there is nothing that can stop us. We are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and there is no depth too deep for the enabling and healing powers of the atonement. I'm so grateful that I can repent as many times as I need to get it right. Here at Anasazi we read something called The Seven Paths (it's like the scriptures, but in Native American wording). At one point in the story, the main character tells of a dream where he met the Savior, "I then awoke desiring to step anew. If I was to more forward, I needed to leave all that was backward behind. I did that day and have had to repeat the offering many times since." We don't run out of new beginnings. We can't ever stop being born again. If we stop then we limit ourselves for all eternity, but if we continue to forgive ourselves and make things right with God, we open the doors to eternal happiness for us and those we love.

So, at this special time of year as we ponder on God's gift to the World of his Beloved Son and his Son's gift to us of the saving atonement I join the many voices that have come before mine and those still to come - that he lives and loves us. The Savior of the World is willing to give us blessings without end if we will simply give our hearts to him and let him help us have a new beginning. So here's to a new beginning today and many to come!

Merry Christmas!

Addictions

I have an addiction. As hard as it is to admit it's time to be honest with myself and those I love. I have been dealing with addiction for years now and it's only getting worse. I am completely addicted to helping people, as unhealthy and hard on me as it is sometimes.

Even though my job causes me to lose sleep, even though hiking for miles and miles and sleeping on the ground is wearing on my body, even though I face an emotional roller coaster every time I go to the trail - I keep going back. Why? Because it feels so good. Yeah, the hard times are tough, but the good times are fantastic!

I love how it feels to see a YoungWalker overcome something that terrified them and find new courage. I love the elation that I get hearing them say things like, "This [seeing the view from the top of a tough mountain] feels good...like...better than doing drugs." I love when they see how their choices have been making them unhappy and they want to change. I am addicted to the happiness I feel when I can see the light in their eyes grow brighter and their strength to face their challenges increases. Despite the fact that this is one of the hardest jobs in the world, it is also one of the most incredible. Where else can you make such a big difference in someone's life? 

Another mountain to conquer

I'm learning to be humble. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to be teachable. I learning to change. I'm learning that it's ok to be vulnerable. I'm learning that even though people will come and go in our lives, they can be forever in our hearts and the lessons we gain from them can change our world. It's not easy to face the mountains in our lives, but the perspective we gain from the climb is worth every painful misstep and every doubt that enters our hearts. The feeling of accomplishment overcomes all the aches and bruises that come from the ascent. And in the end, you're left with a stronger heart and greater understanding of who you really are and what you can do. And helping someone else come to that in their lives is the greatest thing in the world.

So, although it exhausts me and causes some wear and tear on my body. And even though I get emotionally drained after eight days, I still get excited for the possibilities that await another week on the trail. And, while some weeks are harder than others, at the end of a week as amazing as this last one my heart is full of gratitude to be able to do what I do and see the miracles that await us all outside our comfort zones. 

Fall on the Trail

One of THOSE Weeks

Every week on the trail is an adventure but some weeks give you more obstacles than others. This last week on the trail we had to complete the longest hike at Anasazi. Usually we hike Thur, Fri, Sat, rest Sun then hike into Final D sometime on Monday. This last week was up early and hike everyday (Thur-Mon) until we ran out of sunlight, and get into Final D Mon afternoon. In addition, we had two SinaguaWalkers who were on their RabbitStick (meaning they still had to learn and pass off all the basic skills) while making this long trek. And because they were at the beginning of their time, they didn't hike very well, so it was a pretty long, drawn out hike. And that was just the physical aspect.

Emotionally, these kids were both pretty messed up. They had dealt with drug addictions for several years and neither was really sure they wanted to turn their lives around. They came because this seemed like a better rehab option than other programs.

Wednesday was the hardest day of the week. Throughout the hiking they had begun to come around and were seeing the reasons to change and make their lives better. They would say things like, "After this I only want to walk forward." or "It feels really good to see this [the epic view from the top of a mountain we just climbed]. Like, it kinda feels better than doing drugs." Then on Wednesday, I couldn't handle listening to their "dumb-talking" anymore. It's not forwards-talking, but it's not backwards-talking, it's just a waste. They spent almost the entire week talking about movies and music that do not fit what I would call tasteful, so I had nothing to say about them and after a week of it I was done. Then, one of them started talking about going home. All she wanted was to go home and go to another program (*she has a tendency to start programs but not finish them). I had a sitting with her and tried to help her see how much she needed this program and that it wasn't logical to leave at this point, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to hear reason or anything else, she just wanted to leave. After working on her almost all day (I sat with her, the WindWalker sat with her and a GhostWalker came into the band) she was coming around to the idea that she would stay and finish; "I'm going to request to walk with you at the end of my time so you can see how far I've come."

So, the week ended on a better note, but I was emotionally exhausted and ready for a break. Not to mention, I was ready to spend a few days being warm. It's getting cold up there!

Sometimes you get to go on secret missions to help Ridge with another band and you can take sweet pics like this one!

Oh Life

How does it get away from you so easily?! I get off the trail with every intention of updating this and the next thing I know, it's been two weeks and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I'm preparing to go out on the trail again tomorrow.

Highlights of the last two weeks:

• Seeing a great YoungWalker come off the trail. I helped her at the office on her first day in the program and seeing her on her first and last was fun for me.
• One of my absolute favorite YoungWalkers came to Mesa and I was able to spend some time with her. Seeing how well she's doing and that she's continuing to walk forward is payday for a TrailWalker. Witnessing that they not only did well on the trail but are still going strong and growing stronger is golden!
• Driving to Idaho wasn't really a highlight (although I do enjoy roadtrips, they are more fun with other people) but I was able to see some of my favorite people along the way and that's what it's all about. I would travel the world for some of these people that mean so much to me.
• Helped mom get the house ready to sell and move. The moving idea is a little sad. Even though I don't live there anymore, it's strange to think of my parents living somewhere else or celebrating Christmas and special events in a different house. But I am glad I was able to help my family out in this rather stressful period of transition.
• I also changed rotations, which is a big deal at Anasazi. You have a certain belonging place and fit into your rotation so to change is a big deal and a little unsettling to be honest. But I felt good about the change and I think some great opportunities will come from it. Plus, it means I get to go out on the trail again tomorrow. It's funny how much I miss it when I'm not out there. During my training, back in May, I was talking to another trainee about how strange it was that we felt so comfortable out there. A trail-veteran overheard and commented that one day we would find that we are more comfortable on the trail than we were in the "wilderness of the world". Today, as I told my roommate how excited I am to get back on the trail, I remembered those words and realized it's true. I'm in my element out there and feel like my most real self. I miss it when I'm off the trail.

So, tomorrow morning - here we go again. Adventure is out there and we are going to find it and grow from it!

Walk forward everyone. It's so worth it!

Oh Boy!

Actually there were 7! SEVEN BOYS in our band! Oh what a handful. I don't know what I would do if the Lord needed me to be a mom to 7 boys. On the one hand it would be a riot, on the other hand, I would go crazy!

The whole time I was on vacation, I had been praying to be in Girls' Band when I got back on the trail, but I found out the day before we went out that the girl that I was really hoping to walk with had finished and was going home. I was sad to know that I wouldn't be able to walk with her again but it took off some of the pressure to be in girls band before she left.* So, Wednesday morning, when I found out that I would be in Boys Band it wasn't as hard to swallow. That is, until I realized something...I'd never been in Boys' Band before and I wasn't sure I could handle it!

When we got to the band, it took some getting used to. Talking with 17 year old boys is hard. I don't know enough about their sports, music, shows, etc to really carry on a conversation about them and I don't know what else boys do in high school other than talk about girls, but that doesn't really work out in the wilderness either. And SEVEN! That's the biggest band I've dealt with and it's just hard to keep track of them all. I guess, I should be used to it since EFY was between 10 and 40, but to really help each of them walk forward takes a lot of time and attention and that's hard for 3 TWs to do for 7 boys in 8 days. 

Then, add on top of all that, the fact that one of the boys started plummeting. He was struggling a bit when we got there (he didn't eat anything Wednesday night, then threw up Thursday morning) but he has a tendency of trying to manipulate the situation like that and test out the new TWs so we got through that and hiked on Thursday. But as we hiked, we discovered a couple things. 1 - he is an INCREDIBLY slow hiker. I've never seen anyone move so slowly or so uncoordinated on boulder fields as he was, and he's been here several weeks. And 2 -  he was having some major mental struggles that were keeping him from really walking forward. 

What did all that mean? It meant that we laid-over (didn't hike) on Friday and Saturday, we never left camp before 11 am, and we only hiked about 2.5 miles in a week! It also meant that we, as a band, had the opportunity to learn great patience and compassion. It meant that all of the boys had to learn to reach outside themselves and find the good in their fellow YoungWalker. It meant that we needed to learn how to empower without enabling. (I'm going to have to do a separate entry on "enabling". It's something I am learning a lot about and I don't particularly like the connotation we have given it.)

This was a very trying week. We pulled our hair out trying to figure out how to get through to this kid and help him see just how great he is, but it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I was reminded again and again of my mission and those moments when trying to help someone who is being illogical/impossible. I haven't prayed that hard for discernment and charity in a long time. The most interesting thing though, is the fact that this is probably one of the weeks that I will refer to most as I look back on my walking and the experiences that have helped me grow. 

I love each of those boys. I am so grateful that I was able to walk with them and learn from them and I can't wait to see the forwards walking that they do as they finish at Anasazi and reenter the wilderness of the world. I was relieved to leave the trail yesterday. But, as always, there's a part of my heart out there, seeking to gather from the sky and the paths of the creator and waiting for me to return to my people, the people of the trail, those who Walk In We.

Walking home at the end of a long, crazy week.

*Although I didn't realize how much I would miss the other girls in the Girls' Band, I know all of them right now and adore them each in a way. I found out today that they requested to walk with me this week - even though I'm not on the trail, it melted my heart to know that they liked me enough to want to walk with me again. And one of my favorites is Dawnstar-ing this week, ie. finishing up, so I won't get to walk with her again. Why is it, when I like a person or group I only walk with them once, when I struggle with a person or group, I walk with them again and again?!

Not Going to the Trail

I had a family vacation in Utah this last week so I didn't go out to the trail with the rest of my rotation group. It's funny: I came to ANASAZI with great apprehension and there have been a few weeks on the trail when all I wanted to do was go home. But not going out on the trail this last week was so hard. I went to the Wednesday morning training to say goodbye to those TWs who would finish and leave while I was on vacation. Seeing them all drive off and knowing some of the YWs they would be going to without me was really hard. That was one of the hardest things, right up there with saying goodbye to the mission and seeing them all carry on in the work without me.

Not a day passed this last week that I didn't think about the trail. The YoungWalkers out there, where they would all be, what they would be doing each day, e.g. - "Today's Thursday, they're hiking again." or "It's Sunday. I wonder if they're taking a layover day." I really miss the trail. I miss how simple things are out there, and how clear my role is. I loved the trail before, but I have never been more excited to get out there and Walk again.

Spending time with my family was great though. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the vacation and we made some great memories. We stayed at Snowbird in the Cliff Lodge, went on the zip-line and alpine slide in Park City, got together with some old friends, ate lots of yummy food, played games and I coerced them into going hiking. We also started planning our next family hoorah and that was fun. I love my family and Anasazi is all about turning hearts homeward so it was great to be able to be with my family and experience that joy that we seek to instill in our YWs for their families.

Another Awesome Week

After the last couple weeks on the trail I feel like I could do this forever. This last week was so great! I was in an awesome band and things couldn't have gone better! There was adventure, struggle, growth and smiles; everything a TrailWalker could ask for rolled up into 8 days. In fact, leaving the trail on Wednesday was the hardest it's ever been.

It started off a little crazy. I had been hoping and almost planning to be put in Sinagua again and walk with my beloved SWs from last week. That morning, I had to really prepare myself for the fact that anything could happen and trust that wherever I was put, the Creator was in it and it would be for the best. When we got our assignments this faith was tested. I was put in Girls' Band again - with one YW in particular that I've walked with twice already and not really been able to connect with. Let me clarify that statement, she was a little bipolar with me; one second she would be upset that I made a suggestion to her and the next, she was wondering if I could walk with her for her Dawnstar week - I never really knew where I stood with her.

Anyway, I embraced the fact that this is where I would be (oh and I was walking with another TW that I walked with for the past two weeks, haha) and prepared for another crazy week on the trail. But, through a crazy little turn of events, I ended up being switched to the other Girls' Band (I'd heard great things about the girl in that band and was excited about the new possibilities, but a little whiplashed from the last minute change (it came when we were about to hike into our bands).

So, I found myself in a band with 3 TWs, 1 YW and the possibility of a RabbitStick (YW brand new to the program). Typically, with YWs the system seems to be: when you need it but don't want it, then you must stay; when you want it, but no longer need it, then you must go. The first girl in this band may be the exception to that. I had heard nothing but good things about her and they were all so true. She was only on her 2nd full week in the program but she seemed so much more experienced. Usually YWs are pretty angry or forlorn for the first couple weeks and it takes them a while to warm up to the program and get into the swing of things. She was so into it already. In fact, on Thursday or Saturday she was saying things like, "I never want to leave this place. I love it here so much."

On Thursday morning, we found out about Jerky Butte. This was a pretty tall mountain near the path we wanted to take to Final D, but the allure of it was the call of adventure - there are Native American ruins on top! So we hiked to a cow tank at the base of the butte and spent the night at one of the best spots ever. we found an open spot on top of a small mesa, where we could see the entire sky! I've never seen so many stars in my life. Then, the next morning, we got up, packed up, left our stuff on the mesa so we could hike fast and went up the butte. It was incredible! There were partial walls up there where you could see they had some small buildings of some sort, whether they were homes or places of worship they had definitely chosen a great spot. You could see forever up there. It was the tallest point for miles so you really felt like you were on top of the world. And - there was a cherry tree up there! So we sat on top of the world, eating cherries and enjoying the feeling of accomplishment at what we had just done.

*Note - we did have a minor accident climbing up. The YW felt really bad, but it wasn't her fault and it turned out just fine. The last part of the hike was rock climbing. I was too close behind her and she accidentally kicked a rather large rock loose that then hit me in the face, on the nose to be precise. My first thought was that I would have a broken nose or a concussion or something. But as it turned out, it was just a half-inch long cut and some bruising. Don't get me wrong it bled a lot, but of all the things that could/should have happened, we came out alright. It didn't even hurt much. In fact, the YW worried me more than my nose. She was so concerned and felt so bad about it, I kept telling her to stop worrying and that it was fine, but it was a day or two before she could laugh about it with the rest of us. I think it helped us become better friends in the end.

After our adventure - we got lost trying to find our mesa with our packs, but eventually got there and were able to make it to the meeting location for the new RabbitStick we were expecting. Surprise - there were actually 2 new RSs! This changed the dynamic for our band so much but it was an ok change. We were sad to see our Walkabout end with this stellar YW, but everything was in a good place to bring these new YWs into the program and give them a solid foundation for a great start here at Anasazi. They struggled for the first few days and did not like it here, but our girl kept encouraging them and helping them learn how to get into the spirit of the program and make the most of it.

When I left them on Wedneday, one of them was really struggling with homesickness still but with a little more time, she'll be alright. And the other girl had had a total change of heart. She was in it to win it. She had gotten some really great letters from home and was feeling the motivation to make this work. Seeing the light come to her eyes as she learned to make fire and began preparing for a new beginning in her life and with her family was the most beautiful thing. This program is becoming so real to me and right now, I can't imagine doing anything else. I've never had such a hard time coming off the trail and leaving my band behind. I know the other TWs will take good care of them, but I miss them and the awakenings that came from working with them. I love being a TrailWalker.

Figuring It Out

*This is an old one that I forgot to publish. I'll get caught up I promise.

7/24-7/31

After a week like 7/10-7/17, I was a little bit nervous about going back out and my ability to be an effective trailwalker. I know I can hike and take care of the YWs but I want to help them Walk Forward spiritually; I just didn’t feel like I did that last week and I wasn’t so sure I would be able to do that. Especially when I saw that I would be walking with one of the same TWs as last time. I like her and all, but we just didn’t click. And the other TW was someone from the other rotation that I didn’t know and didn’t know if I should be excited to walk with him or not.

I was excited to be with a new group this time – Sinagua! (18+) As we drove to the trail I kept questioning if I should be going out or not, but I knew I was needed and that I was where I was supposed to be. By the time I got to the band though I was feeling better. We started the week with two Sinagua Walkers a guy about 24 (who was on his last week) and a girl who is 19. Then we got a new friend when one of the boys turned 18 and stepped into our band from Boys’ Band, and on Friday we got another friend when a new guy (20) joined the program and came right to our band for RabbitStick.

Despite the fact that Sinagua hike REALLY fast (my short legs struggled to keep up) it was a great week! Everyone had an LDS background (although some don’t really want to go back to that), but it was nice being able to use the LDS language and discuss things on that level. I love the Anasazi language of spirituality, but there’s something even more powerful about straight LDS doctrine, so when you’re able to use that in the band it’s glorious! I had some really good sittings with several of the SWs and I grew a lot from the things we discussed. I grew especially close to the girl in the band. She has made some backwards walking choices and has consequently had a really rough life these last couple years. But, tapping into my missionary mode, I was able to testify of powerful truths and help her feel the strength of the Spirit again. “Can you just bottle up this feeling so I can have it again later when things get harder?” She has a rough road ahead of her, but I know the Lord is strengthening her to handle it well.

My greatest awakening this week came from a verse that I have read a thousand times. Ether 12:6 - "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." I often find myself thinking, I'll do X as long as I can see that it's doing some good. I'll put forth my best efforts as long as I know they are making a difference. But that's not faith. That's asking for a sign from God (bad idea). This week I learned that faith means you won't see it. You won't see the outcome, you won't have evidence that it's working. You just have to trust in God and find comfort in the fact that he's in charge. Do I worry about the Singagua and YoungWalkers I've walked with? Of course, but I know - deep down - that the Lord loves them more than I ever could and that he will not give up on them.

A New Kind of Hard

So, the last time I was on the trail it was an incredibly humbling experience physically speaking. I couldn't get hydrated and I was completely drained of energy by the end of the week. This time I was so strong physically, but there were emotional and spiritual trials to learn from.

Last Wednesday, as we were preparing to go out, I learned that I would be with girls band again. This meant walking with several of the girls I had walked with the week before. Normally, I would be excited to walk with YWs that I had walked with before, and I was a little bit. But the last time I walked with them I was not myself, and I was hoping for a new beginning this week. Then, when we arrived at ridge, (this is where we get organized before heading into the camp spots for the different bands) we learned that there were some issues in our band. One of the girls had cut herself and we had to watch her closely throughout the week to prevent any further self-harm. She hadn’t been feeling well the last couple weeks and had sat (and then been driven to Final D) but it was our job to get her to hike this week. This meant that she needed to actually eat, drink water, and walk forward. These are all things that you can’t force someone to do if they don’t want to and her at Anasazi we never force, only invite them to make a good choice and leave it up to them.

The week started pretty rough when she wasn’t feeling well and came to me to say she didn’t think she could hike. I was flattered by this trust, however, when we pow-wowed about it and talked to RidgeWalk and it was decided that we had to hike, guess who was the bad guy – yep, the one who she confided in but made her hike anyway: me (and the lead TrailWalker). Thus we spent a good chunk of the next week being more or less hated by this girl, and since she is pretty influential, when she was hating us, much of the band was upset with us too. There were a couple girls in the band that were ok with us, but they didn’t want to go against their friends, so they just didn’t participate in the complaining.

The incredible thing is: we did it. Somehow – thanks to our WindWalker, and much help from the Creator – we hiked all the way to Final D. Granted we may or may not have had to carry this YoungWalkers pack for a day or two of the hiking, but we only did it when we could tell that she wanted to Walk Forward but didn’t have the physical ability to do so. She walked the whole way though from start to finish, and seeing that, and being able to point out what she accomplished, was success for me and the other TWs.

There were a lot of experiences from the week, but the one that I want to expound on came as I was carrying this girl’s pack on top of my own. I had a lot of awakenings as I sought to serve this girl that was more upset with me than I’ve ever experienced. As I carried this girl’s burden, I couldn’t help but think of Jesus telling the Jews that “whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain (Matt. 5:41).” Feeling the weight of this girl’s pack on my shoulders, I began to understand why that would have been such an difficult concept for the Jews. I then thought of the ‘Secret of the Second Mile’

*For those of you unfamiliar with this concept here it is from a talk by Vaughn J. Featherstone: “In ancient … times, soldiers could [force] teen-age boys in Roman provinces to carry their heavy backpacks for one mile, but no more. In a typical scene, we would see a soldier walk into a community. A teen-age boy sees him and starts to run and hide. The boy knows that if the soldier has seen him that he will be caught and whipped for running. The soldier does see the boy and motions for him to come and pick up the heavy backpack. Reluctantly, the boy shoulders the heavy load. The soldier motions toward the road leading out of town, and together they trudge toward the first mile marker.

“When the marker comes into sight, the soldier motions for the boy to put the pack down. The boy instead agrees to carry the pack another mile. The soldier reminds him that only one mile is required. However, the boy agrees to go ’the second mile.’ As they continue down the road, the soldier begins to talk with the boy. He asks him if he has seen the mighty ocean. The boy replies ‘No,’ so the soldier gives descriptive accounts of his adventures on the high seas. The soldier then relates stories about military campaigns in distant countries and describes snow covered mountains, which the lad has never seen.

“The vivid accounts stir the imagination of the young lad as he hears the tales of the seas and of distant lands. The second mile goes quickly, and the boy discovers the secret of ‘going the second mile.’ You go the first mile and you discharge a duty; you go the second mile and you make a friend. The great men and women in history have been those willing to go the second mile.”

I’ve never had as much energy on the trail as I did when I was striving to prove my love to this girl as well as myself.  Also, as I carried her pack, she walked with me; these were the moments when I got to see her at her most real. We had some good discussions and I enjoyed the chance to talk to her and share real truths about her worth and her creator. (I think I’ll have to do another entry about lessons on the atonement from the trail.)

It was a hard week, but I learned so much and I'm so grateful for the growth that came from it. It was truly a refining fire.

Birthday Trail

You know what I got for my birthday?
Bruises, I got tons of bruises all over my legs!

I guess that's the price of adventuring though. Particularly when your adventure involves scaling mountains and swimming up waterfalls. This last week on the trail was the craziest! (And the lead TrailWalker for my band has been here 9 months and she admits it was the craziest). If you can imagine it we did it. Tons of up and overs, a few swimmers (we really did have to climb a waterfall and it was ridiculous), rock climbing, hiking up dry ravines, drinking from cow tanks, etc.

The first couple days I was charged! I was feeling so good and ready to take on the world! The started to get a bit tired the day of the swimmers but bounced back and kept charging ahead. But by Sunday, I hit a wall. Suddenly, every step was the most laborious effort and all I could do was tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. After taking a Wilderness First Aid class on Fri and Sat I learned about "hyponatremia" and I think that's what I had. I was drinking water like mad but it never seemed enough. I still always felt dehydrated. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I know to keep a salty snack on me at all times and put some salt in my canteens whenever I fill up. It's funny, retaining water is such a bad thing when you're at home, but out there you really need to.

Anyway, this week was hard. I feel pretty safe saying it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Not that other things I've dealt with (college, mission, etc) weren't intensely difficult, but this was different. This was all around difficult. College was a test of my mental capacity. The mission pushed my spiritual and emotional limits. But this tested it all and all at once. I was physically exhausted in a way that I have never felt, it was like there wasn't an ounce of energy in my whole being. And while physically depleted the mental attack begins: what am I doing here? I'm not even contributing. Why am I putting myself through this?! I can't do this. And the emotional/spiritual battle, I'm here for these girls but I can't even help them like I'm supposed to. How can I help them learn and grow when I can't even move? Why am I so weak? Why is this happening to me? Where is the creator when I need him? Why is he not making this better so I can actually fulfill my purpose here?

Luckily, he carried my feet through and surrounded me with angels to help me. These angels didn't all come in at once but he brought them at just the right times. One of them was another TrailWalker. Just when I would be ready to give up and relent that I just couldn't do it, she would step in and give me the courage and hope to keep going. She probably doesn't realize just what a difference her little pep talks made and how much strength I gained from knowing she believed in me but she was the angel bearing me up from D&C 84:88

Another angel came when I got off the trail. This was my first week on the trail without her and yet, in a way, she was with me the whole time. We crossed paths a few times and each time was a glorious reunion! We also had very similar experiences this week and being able to talk about it afterwards with someone who understood was something I needed. She has a way of making things feel ok and showing that maybe I wasn't a total failure in my efforts on the trail. Granted I may not have made the kind of impact that I wanted but maybe my experiences and my hardships taught the girls in the way they needed most this week.

And the creator gave me an angel of a mentor. She said exactly what I needed to hear and because I respect her so much and I know her character, I know that it wasn't empty words to her. She knows the trail (the one in the mountains and the one in the heart) and when she says what I bring to the trail I know that she means it and that it's real.

One day I hope to be an angel to others the way these wonderful people have been to me but in the meantime, I am learning so much from my walking. It's interesting: before coming here, I seemed to have this arrogant idea that I would come here and help others learn from their experiences and their consequences without having to deal with the trials and consequences myself. Good thing the Lord is patient and lets us continue to grow.

Update/Novel of my Recent Life

Since I posted last, my life has had several new developments and twists that I didn't expect. I'll give a quick overview and then go into depth a bit .I successfully completed my student teaching in Arizona, officially graduated, spent some time in Utah and Idaho, and started a new job (back in Arizona)...in the mountains.

These past 6 months have flown by! I came down to Mesa at the beginning of January with my mom (at the last second we decided she should make the road trip with me and it was so much better to have a navigator/driving buddy!). I showed up at Summit Academy (a middle school that takes part in the International Baccalaureate Programme) where I would work with about 150 8th graders. I had a great mentor teacher, excellent student teaching supervisor and a wonderful experience. So much so that I was reconsidering my grad school plans and thinking that I might actually want to be in the classroom for a few years. This probably seems obvious for an education major, but as I finished my time at BYUI I began thinking that a traditional classroom was not right for me and that - as soon as I paid my time, made the field services office happy, and graduated - I wouldn't set foot in a classroom again. However, I loved my teaching time and started reconsidering this plan. Maybe grad school could wait.

However, my time in Mesa also brought another option to the surface. Fall semester, I lived with a fantastic friend named Alex. Alex spent last summer working for a wilderness therapy program in Mesa and spent the semester trying to get me to do it. When I got to Mesa, I discovered that the program's office was right near my student teaching friends' house, thus I passed it every time I would visit them (which was quite a lot) and each time it reminded me of all the wonderful things Alex had to say about this program and what a great experience I could have there.

As the semester came to an end, real choices were coming. I decided to put all my feelers out there and let the Lord help me decide. I sent resumes or applications to at least a dozen schools, I filled out the Anasazi application and I followed up on a few of these. My top choices were either Anasazi or a school district in northern Utah. In the end, it was Anasazi that contacted me and asked me to come to their May training. I told them yes, but still wasn't sure if that was what I wanted most.

After student teaching ended, I went up to Utah and Idaho to spend some time with family and get things figured out. This "figuring things out" proved to be harder than I wanted (although, just as hard as I'd expected :P ). I spent a lot of time pondering, praying and fasting about where I was supposed to go. I felt like Anasazi was right. By this time though, I was getting a little...no, a lot nervous about doing Anasazi. I started realizing just how intense this program was and was scared that I was not up to the challenge. Thanks to some guidance and help from my wonderful parents though I decided to give it a shot and see what happens.

That was almost two months ago. I now find myself heading out on the trail for 8 days at a time and meeting the most wonderful people I could imagine. Alex was right, this is the closest thing to going on a mission that you will find. I get to help those who have lost their way and are seeking the right path, I get to testify of eternal truths like the creator that knows and loves them and I get to do it all in the beautiful wilderness of Arizona's Tonto National Forest. Can life get any better. I actually find myself yearning for the wilderness and sad when it's time to come back to the real world. Life is so much better on the trail. It's simple and clear. Right and wrong are marked in black and white/pain v. not pain. And the trail is where we can really come to know ourselves and what we are capable of.

So that's what I am doing now. I don't know how long the creator will keep me here but I hope it's about a year. We have lots of adventures and can't take cameras so this will be the place that I come to tell about them and hopefully we can all learn something from my experiences.

Sure Love Ya

Thought I'd published this last semester...

I guess since this hasn't been added to in about 3 years it's time to do something with it. I still don't know how much I'll be updating this but I figured I'd give it a whack with the few free minutes I am taking right now.

Life has been pretty crazy in the last few years. I finished my mission having served in five areas (2 for 5 transfers - which is a lot; and 3 for a single transfer or less). I had 9 wonderful companions during it all and am friends with every one of them still. When I got home I stayed in the country for approx 5 months and left the continent again for Asia to pick up my brother in the Philippines. It was great, I loved the Philippines; Brett and I are talking about starting a water-buffalo ranch there someday - we'll make bank!

Then I came back and did another crazy year of school (which was supposed to be my last but BYUI just won't give me up). So instead of graduating I went to Jerusalem for a semester. Best decision ever. I learned so much, had many incredible experiences, went to amazing places, made some great friends and came to know Christ better. What more could one ask for? (*Note - I made a blog just for that semester http://jerusalembells.wordpress.com/)

And now, I'm here in the Burg, working on (what's supposedly) my last semester before student teaching. It's pretty crazy trying to learn as much as I can, do well in school, and have a balanced life all at the same time. Suffice it to say I rarely, if ever, succeed at it all but it's interesting trying! Brett and I have fun and once in a while I get to see my roommates. That's life. Completely unique and unoriginal. Well, I should get back to it. Have a good one!