People are Always Worth it!

I've had some interesting relationship experiences recently, some that prune me and some that grow me. I'll get personal here as I admit that I've been in two different relationships in the last few months. One followed right after the other and it's been an interesting process. While I wasn't looking/hoping for a new relationship so quickly, it's been interesting walking some of the same paths with different people in such a short period of time. But it's been harder than I'd anticipated in some unexpected ways. One of the difficult ways is that, in the previous relationship, I grew attached to my now-ex's family. They are a wonderful group of people that were very welcoming and all-around good people. I almost could have married him, just to have them for in-laws and I was almost more distraught over losing them than I was about breaking up with my boyfriend.

Now, I find myself in a new relationship with new family members to meet. I'll admit, part of me has been very resistant to meeting his family because I don't want to get attached again if it's doesn't end up working out. I know, that the idea of waiting to meet someone's family until I'm sure of the relationship is a crazy idea, but I would prefer breakups to involve the least losses possible.

As I've wrestled with this idea, something that a friend shared with me a while back continues to teach me.
She said, "I've learned that: People are always worth the struggle or enjoyment." Whether this current relationship lasts or not, there is value in building relationships and coming to know more of Father's children. Obviously, this is a lesson that my fearful heart still has to learn again and again, but I thought it was one worth sharing.

Charity has no expiration dates and should be the standard regardless of outcome. It's always worth it to get to know somebody new. Thank you to that friend who continues to teach me, though she is far away!

Where I'm supposed to be

If you're struggling with "come what may and love it" maybe this will help you.

At the beginning of my time on the trail, I learned to start each day with a question to the Creator: Am I where I'm supposed to be today?

This question enabled me to forget about the struggles of the past and not focus too much on the uncertainties of the future. This question (and an affirmative answer) gave me confidence in whatever I had to do that day. Because I knew that, no matter what happened, I was where I was supposed to be and the Lord supported me.

I'm not sure when, but at some point I stopped asking this question. And today, a dear friend reminded me of it. Am I where I'm supposed to be today? Am I where the Lord wants me to be? 

No matter the past and regardless of the future, if the answer to this question is yes, then I can continue forward with strength in the Lord. If the answer is no, then what do I need to change to get back to where I'm supposed to be?

I hope that each of us can be where the Lord wants us to be, and if we're not, then I hope we can find the courage to get there.

Say What?

Once upon a time, I had a mission companion that gave me one of the best gifts ever! She taught me the value of writing down the awesome things that other people say! For the last year or so, I've been more active with this and I love the flood of memories that each quote brings. Some are funny, some are inspiring and some just sound cool.

So, for your enjoyment (or confusion) here are some of my favorite quotes.

• "When Stalking pays off, it's totally fine." - Kenady
• "You do desperate really well!" - Laura*
• "You guys are out there saving lives and saving hearts." - Scottie
• "Guys are so lucky with their short hair. And I wake up and I'm like: I can't salvage that!" - Haley
• "You're Doin' It!" - Anasazi people
• "In the midst of all storms there can be happiness." - Brother Coates (an ASU ward) (I LOVE storms!!)
• "Father, you've given me this missionary experience. Please help me to not screw it up!" -from a comment in Sunday School
• "I'm not a fan of school, but I enjoy learning." - Sheldon
• "You're a pretty good fuzzy-headed guy." - Brett*
• "Why have fish, when you have me?!" - Nicole R.
• "I don't want to say it like this, but I'll say it like this. You're really weird!" - Steph Steph*
• "Sometimes life gets REAL!" -April
• "You will never regret following the SacredWind, but you will always regret NOT following it." -BrightOwl (Jeremy)
• "Trust is not a prerequisite. It's an outcome." -Beyond Right And Wrong
• "I'm the cutest human." -Lyssa
• "All good things end with kissing." -Lindsay
• "Nah, you've got cool stuff. You've got yourself!" -April
• "What better thing can you do, than to honor a person for the good that they do in their life." YellowWolf (Larry O.)
• "I've got four jelly beans, and there are four of us. Whadda ya say we party?!!" -Jeremy
• "I think every boy should jump at the chance to hang out with you!" -Angela
• "I like white chocolate the best." - Amy
  "What?! That's not even real! It's a byproduct!" - Me
  "Well, I like byproducts! I'm a byproduct of my parents. Happiness is a byproduct of service." - Amy
  "You're justifying now. Do you know what justification leads to?" - Me
  "Byproducts?!" - Amy
• "Everyday you should be grateful that you're a member of this church and everyday you should share that with someone." -Michelle M. 
• "Can you get expelled for snuggling?" -Chelsey R

*The "you"s are almost always referring to me...

Lover AND Fighter

My first day at ANASAZI, I learned about the symbols we call the "Heart At War" and "Heart At Peace".

I have learned several things about these two images, but the thing that keeps coming back to me recently is the role of the arrows. When you're at war with someone, you have your weapons pointed at them. However, when you're at peace with someone, you turn your arrows outward and they become the person you are now defending.

Working with YoungWalkers I had the opportunity of seeing a lot of war turn to peace and I learned a beautiful fact, the YoungWalkers never wanted to fight their parents, any more than the parents wanted to be fighting. With all the obstacles in the wilderness of the world we find ourselves endless cycles of fight or flight and too often it's the people that mean the most to us that we turn our Arrows on.

But the truth is, we all just want someone who has our backs. We want someone who will fight FOR us. We are all seeking someone to love, trust and fight alongside. And we all want to know that we are worth fighting for. In this world that seeks to tear us down with it's messages that we are not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough or worthwhile, we hunger for someone who will tell us that we are. We want to surround ourselves with people that prove to us through their actions that we are worthy of love, that we are worthy of their time and effort and that we are worth defending.

We all want to be fought for and know that we are not alone in this battle. So what do we have in our lives? Is it keeping us from fighting for the things the really matter and the people that deserve our hearts? What do we really want and are we willing to fight with all of our hearts for it?

When you love something or someone you fight FOR it. You throw all your energy into it. Peace comes from giving your all in defending something important. I'm a fighter because I love deeply. I love life. I love dreaming big. I love seeking growth. I am willing to defend the things that make up my core. I will defend those that are important to me. And I won't back down until the battle is over.

Recent Adventures

I thought I'd take a break from thinking and share a few of my recent adventures. These last couple months have been too much fun.

#1 - Grand Canyon with Kalia - Back in March, Kalia surprised me by visiting my state one weekend. So I drove up to Grand Canyon and we had a blast. We got to see the main views, watch a cool Imax movie on the history of it (yes, I'm still a history lover) and even got...

...A HELICOPTER RIDE OVER THE CANYON!! Needless to say, it was amazing!

#2 - General Conference - I haven't been able to attend conference (or my mission reunions) for a couple years so it was fun to get up there and it was great getting to spend some time with Mom, Dad and Emma before they move East.

And, after much hunting, I found Sister Turro! (She was the only Young Woman in my first area on my mission and now she's serving on Temple Square)

#3 - Apache Lake - my friend, Lara, introduced me to this fun little place on a day of random adventure-wandering. 

I love adventures with no specific plan! Yes, we did
just jump in the water fully clothed and it felt great!

So when my friends, Laura and Lyssa came to visit and wanted to beat the Arizona heat I got to go back to Apache Lake. The water was a bit too cold and the air too windy to enjoy much swimming, but we had a fun time enjoying the sunshine together.

The Beach, a guitar and good friends = the life!

#4 - Finishing on the Trail - I knew that my time on the trail was coming to an end so for one last request, I asked my boss if I could walk with Brett (who was also finishing his time on the trail before leaving for study abroad).

It was one of the hardest, yet best weeks of my life. Seeing my brother as the awesome TrailWalker that he is was so rewarding. Even though he's my younger brother, I look up to him in every way!

Some other "family" joined the pic as well-Andy (left) and Nicole (right)!

Although leaving the trail has been hard, I know the Creator is guiding my walking and has good things in store for me. He's never given me anything but goodness before.

#5 - Zion - Sometimes I can get several of my friends from different circles together and we have a blast. This weekend involved a freezing, yet beautiful hike up the Narrows, an early morning climb up to Angels Landing and lots of laughter and good times. It was great to get away for a few days, unwind, and adventure!

The view on top of Angels' Landing

My life is full of great people and fun times. To everyone that I call friend: thanks for being amazing and letting me into your lives. You're all so great!!

What do I really want? (part-2)

As I've been making plans for the future and praying about where I should be and what I should be doing I keep running into roadblocks. There are so many places that I would love to go and so many options of what I could be doing. Yet, everywhere that I consider I receive a "No" from the Lord. As I mourned the loss of another possibility I thought to myself, "Why can't I just do what I want?!"

Instantly I was reminded of this concept concerning what I really want . In Church a week or so ago, a new girl in my ward made a profound statement in her introduction: "I really just want to please Heavenly Father." What a beautiful purpose! As I sat in that chapel I prayed that that would be my goal as well. I realized all that I really want is to please Father. I said I was willing to do whatever is necessary to please him and do his will.

At first this seemed like a daunting thing to ask/promise. I have some trust issues and trusting the Lord with my everything is a little scary. And harder still: trusting myself. I don't know that I trust myself enough to follow God's plan well. But I want to want this, and thanks to my friend Alma, I know that's possible. "Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, (it doesn't have to be anything big or dominating, but a start as simple as a little seed) behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts." (Alma 32:28)

So, now that I know what I want to want (to please Heavenly Father) the next question to process is: how much do I really want it?

What do I really want?

In my time on the trail I have had the opportunity of seeing many YoungWalkers in their first days on the trail. It's interesting their attitudes as they begin their walking. Many of them did not seek this experience, and they spend most of their time anticipating the how wonderful things will be when they return home and can enjoy all the foods they craved on the trail.

Occasionally, however, you get that one YoungWalker. They don't want to change, but they want to want it. You can see it in their eyes and feel it from their hearts. They aren't ready to let go of the things that are holding them back, but they are beginning to see what their future could look like and their hearts begin to turn toward the light.

Pondering on this process in YoungWalkers has led me to wonder where I am in the process. Do I want goodness, or do I simply want to want it?

Sure, I've had those moments after General Conference, or when I got home from my mission, when my desires were right in line with the people of King Mosiah when they said: "The Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

But on a day to day basis, what do I really want? What are the sincere desires of my heart?

Wait, This Isn't Normal??

Growing up in the Jenkins house generally involved lots of noise, bouncing off the walls (literally; that was Brett's and my job), and music. Due to the fact that random outbursts of song from any number of members (awkward harmonization included) and dancing around the kitchen were the norm, we would often joke that our life was a musical.

However, a funny realization came to me the other day. As much as we would love to think that our singing and dancing was beautiful and looked well choreographed, the truth is we had really good imaginations. In fact, to call it a musical seems a bit unfair to the actual Idina Menzel's and Heather Headley's of the stage.

When a series of emails passed between me and my brother started with "(this song) reminds me of life right now" I discovered the truth of my childhood. My life isn't a musical, it's a soundtrack! I have theme songs for various eras and events in my life. And based on the growing number of playlists in my Spotify I think I have a problem. But for those of you who haven't experienced it, there's a beautiful satisfaction that comes from finding the perfect song to describe your situation or feelings!

Get Lost

My walking has changed so much in the last couple months, it's been more like a running or a climbing, (the struggle is real). One way that I have grown is being able to get lost.

At the beginning of this year, I took on a new role in the wilderness, I became one of the "veterans" and trainers. This meant I would have an entire band of people depending on me. This thought already intimated me and became the driving fear during an experience where I got lost by myself.Knowing where you are and where you're going is crucial in the wilderness. You can put yourself in great peril if you don't take time to learn your surroundings or plan your path well.

It was the week before I would train and I went to the trail to help with some other responsibilities. One of those responsibilities was going into the bands to deliver some supplies. I was alone for this adventure and by the time I finished in the bands it was already dark. I quite the hike ahead of me to get from the bands to our base camp and the area we were staying in was new to me. Despite getting directions from several trustworthy helpers, I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in on an unfamiliar path. When I reached the main road I didn't that passed through the area I didn't know if I should follow it to the right or the left. My gut instinct told me to go left and I set off under the stars hoping that this was the right direction.

As I walked along, with little more than the stars to orient I began to worry about my ability to orient. If I could get so disoriented at a place that should have been easy to navigate how was I to lead a group of YoungWalkers and trainees through the back-country? Profound doubts troubled my heart as I walked that quiet path.

I wasn't too worried about my physical well being. Though it was taking longer than I expected, I was comforted by the fact that I knew I had he stamina to wander all night if needed and I felt safe there in the wilderness that I had called "home" for 8 months. It wasn't until I ran into a ranch near the road that I started to worry. I didn't recognize this place and didn't know if it presented any danger. For the first time in a long time, I was afraid.

With nothing more than a compass and my vague memories of this new area, and no way to contact my team, I did the only thing I could do - I got on my knees. Never have I wanted so badly to be back in my safe place. I felt physically and emotionally vulnerable and ached for the safety and comfort of my friends and fellow TrailWalkers around a bright, warm fire. As I called on the heavens to lead me I felt little direct guidance. But standing up, I remembered the saying of a mission companion - "The Lord can't lead us if we're standing still." Reasoning that the ranch was too far and I had been hiking the wrong way, I turned around and began walking the other direction. However, it only took about 5 steps before it felt distinctly wrong. I turned around, still very unsure of my reasoning, but trusting in what I felt. It took another 10 minutes or so (which felt like an hour) but I did finally arrive at my camp.

Rarely have I been so grateful to arrive at my destination. Seeing the faces of my beloved friends and feeling the safety of that place was true peace. But what's more - I learned that I can navigate, not necessarily by the a compass, GPS or even the stars, but by my heart and the love that a Father in Heaven has for me. I can navigate spiritually.

While I still have much honing to do of this unique instrument, it was a beautiful lesson in trusting the Lord, trusting myself and walking forward despite doubts,  "reason", or my own shortsightedness. We must let ourselves get lost from ourselves if we are ever to find the Lord. So get out there. Leave your comfort zone. And let the Lord take you where you really need to be.

Learning to Wait

*Sorry I have been remiss in my posts recently. When it comes down to either writing about my adventures or going out and having more, the latter generally wins. But I have at least a half-dozen posts started and will be better at finishing/sharing them.

The Creator has spent many years teaching me to get off my duff, on my feet and do something. I’m sure it’s been very difficult for him, but he’s been patient and has lovingly guided my heart to be proactive. Now, He’s teaching me Faith in Action Part II – waiting.

A couple months ago, I was in an accident going to the trail. I was the leader and the one who had to figure out the situation and make the call on what we would do. We were about halfway between town and the bands and couldn’t decide whether it would be better to go back and, get in touch with the office and get help or walk towards the bands and hope we made it in time. Normally we have communication materials to help us contact each end of the route, but there had been several mix-ups and misunderstandings that morning and all we had was my cell phone. Unfortunately, we were too far out for me to have much reception, but after sending word in several different forms to my leaders, we went back to the car and I suggested the visitors do a ponderings camp while we sat there waiting for help. They could take a few minutes, meditate, pray, and prepare themselves for the unique opportunities that awaited them on the trail. I however, was struggling to sit. I’d grown so used to jumping into go-mode that I felt lost unless I was working toward my destination.

As I began a plea to the Creator to send help or tell me what to do next I received this instead. “Alicia,” he said, “You have done all you can. You have worked hard and done your very best. That’s all you ask of anyone else, and that’s all I ask of you. Now, I need to you be still and let me do my part. I promise I am taking care of you.”

What do you do when you can’t do anything? Trust – in the Lord, in your efforts, and in the lessons you will gain because of your experiences. He is in it. He is in charge and He wants nothing but good things for us.

As my walking continues to change, I still get ahead of myself sometimes. I want to hurry to the finish line and know what the Lord wants for me. (*Patience – especially with life – has never been my strongest suit) But it’s not a race, and there is no Final Destination. There’s only today and what I can do with the present. And once I’ve done all I can, I need to be still and see the Creator’s hand in all things. I’m learning how to wait with the Lord. 

Mirrors

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, I really don't understand why you always ask why I like you, it seems so obvious to me."

Self-image is such an interesting concept. I've now had sittings with several people who I think the world of and look up to so much and during the sitting I discovered that they don't see themselves the way I see them. I see these strong, yet gentle women who are doing the Creator's will and inviting others to know Him better. I see woman who are beautiful and intelligent and funny. Women who could do anything they want, who could change the world if they so decided. Yet they look in the mirror and see mostly flaws, shortcomings and imperfection.

And the weirdest thing: they look at me and see the same wonderful things, while I'm looking in the mirror and see immense inadequacy and failures.

For some reason that I haven't come to understand yet, the Creator has put us in a world where we never really see ourselves. I can look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and see a close representation, but it's never really me. Then I can look at others and see their truest self, but they don't get to see that, they will only ever see reflections (deficient reflections that magnify the imperfections of the individual and obscure the real beauty there).

So, how can we know who we really are if there's no mirror to understand ourselves? In the book The Seven Paths, the narrator shares a powerful concept; that 'We [others] appear as We [ourselves] are.' To see another is to see oneself. So when we look at the people around us and see that we are surrounded by good, wonderful and uplifting people, it tells us something incredible about ourselves - we too are good, wonderful and uplifting. Whoever you are with, they are the mirrors of your heart. If you want to see yourself, appreciate all the good in the people closest to you and recognize that, although you can't really see yourself and there's no mirror to show you how you truly look, the people around you see your truth and choose to be with you for it. Let them be your mirror and help you see how wonderful you are.

Just a FEW of the fantastic people I'm surrounded by!

*Sidenote on perfection - Yesterday, while working on skills with a group of friends, one of them was working on a gatherings bag. These are special bags that everyone who walks the Anasazi trail is encouraged to make since it will aid them in their walking. These bags are handmade by each individual and therefore, no two bags are alike. The person making his yesterday was stressing over messing up with his bag and one of the others said something incredibly profound: "The more imperfect - the more beautiful." Perfection is something we find in factories that produce everything to be the same and unspecial. Imperfection is unique, it's what sets us all apart from each other and makes life fun and interesting and enjoyable. Imperfection IS beauty!

Finally Finding Hope

On January 25th, I will have been home from my LDS mission for exactly 3 years! It's crazy to think about all that has happened in that time, but what's even more incredible to me is the wonderful opportunities and powerful awakenings I've been given since then. At the beginning of my mission, while still in the Missionary Training Center, I remember spending a lot of time trying to understand Hope.

We talk a lot about hope and how important it is for true happiness. The scriptures remind us again and again that faith, hope and charity bring salvation, but what is hope? For so long and based on how people explained it, it seemed like the same thing as faith - a belief in something that you can't see but you trust in. This week on the trail, as I pondered on the YoungWalkers that I get to work with and help them prepare to go home and face their trials again I though a lot about hope and had an awakening that has changed my understanding and my walking.

Faith is based on the past, charity is based on the present, and hope is based on the future. We have faith in something because all our previous experience with that thing tells us that it will work out. We know the sun will rise in the morning because it always has before. Charity is love for the people we are surrounded by and taking the time to love and serve them, even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. While hope is believing in something regardless of past experience or in spite of where we are now. I have hope that I will be able to be with my family for eternity even though I have no experience in that area and mortal reason would say that is preposterous.

Hope is essential for happiness because it allows us to know that, even though we have made a mess of things in the past and although we've struggled with something numerous times, we can trust that one day all that will be in our past and we will struggle with it no more. We can trust that the Creator will help us become better and we will overcome our weaknesses even though they have defeated us so many times.

Hope will get us through the hardest times and allow us to continue walking forward in the storms of life. Without it - everything is more diffiicult; with it - anything is possible.