Mirrors

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, I really don't understand why you always ask why I like you, it seems so obvious to me."

Self-image is such an interesting concept. I've now had sittings with several people who I think the world of and look up to so much and during the sitting I discovered that they don't see themselves the way I see them. I see these strong, yet gentle women who are doing the Creator's will and inviting others to know Him better. I see woman who are beautiful and intelligent and funny. Women who could do anything they want, who could change the world if they so decided. Yet they look in the mirror and see mostly flaws, shortcomings and imperfection.

And the weirdest thing: they look at me and see the same wonderful things, while I'm looking in the mirror and see immense inadequacy and failures.

For some reason that I haven't come to understand yet, the Creator has put us in a world where we never really see ourselves. I can look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and see a close representation, but it's never really me. Then I can look at others and see their truest self, but they don't get to see that, they will only ever see reflections (deficient reflections that magnify the imperfections of the individual and obscure the real beauty there).

So, how can we know who we really are if there's no mirror to understand ourselves? In the book The Seven Paths, the narrator shares a powerful concept; that 'We [others] appear as We [ourselves] are.' To see another is to see oneself. So when we look at the people around us and see that we are surrounded by good, wonderful and uplifting people, it tells us something incredible about ourselves - we too are good, wonderful and uplifting. Whoever you are with, they are the mirrors of your heart. If you want to see yourself, appreciate all the good in the people closest to you and recognize that, although you can't really see yourself and there's no mirror to show you how you truly look, the people around you see your truth and choose to be with you for it. Let them be your mirror and help you see how wonderful you are.

Just a FEW of the fantastic people I'm surrounded by!

*Sidenote on perfection - Yesterday, while working on skills with a group of friends, one of them was working on a gatherings bag. These are special bags that everyone who walks the Anasazi trail is encouraged to make since it will aid them in their walking. These bags are handmade by each individual and therefore, no two bags are alike. The person making his yesterday was stressing over messing up with his bag and one of the others said something incredibly profound: "The more imperfect - the more beautiful." Perfection is something we find in factories that produce everything to be the same and unspecial. Imperfection is unique, it's what sets us all apart from each other and makes life fun and interesting and enjoyable. Imperfection IS beauty!

Finally Finding Hope

On January 25th, I will have been home from my LDS mission for exactly 3 years! It's crazy to think about all that has happened in that time, but what's even more incredible to me is the wonderful opportunities and powerful awakenings I've been given since then. At the beginning of my mission, while still in the Missionary Training Center, I remember spending a lot of time trying to understand Hope.

We talk a lot about hope and how important it is for true happiness. The scriptures remind us again and again that faith, hope and charity bring salvation, but what is hope? For so long and based on how people explained it, it seemed like the same thing as faith - a belief in something that you can't see but you trust in. This week on the trail, as I pondered on the YoungWalkers that I get to work with and help them prepare to go home and face their trials again I though a lot about hope and had an awakening that has changed my understanding and my walking.

Faith is based on the past, charity is based on the present, and hope is based on the future. We have faith in something because all our previous experience with that thing tells us that it will work out. We know the sun will rise in the morning because it always has before. Charity is love for the people we are surrounded by and taking the time to love and serve them, even when it's inconvenient or uncomfortable. While hope is believing in something regardless of past experience or in spite of where we are now. I have hope that I will be able to be with my family for eternity even though I have no experience in that area and mortal reason would say that is preposterous.

Hope is essential for happiness because it allows us to know that, even though we have made a mess of things in the past and although we've struggled with something numerous times, we can trust that one day all that will be in our past and we will struggle with it no more. We can trust that the Creator will help us become better and we will overcome our weaknesses even though they have defeated us so many times.

Hope will get us through the hardest times and allow us to continue walking forward in the storms of life. Without it - everything is more diffiicult; with it - anything is possible.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Beginnings

Occasionally the creator let's us try again at something that we struggled with the first time. I find that in my life, I oscillate between feeling strong/confident/able and weak/insecure/incapable. Sometimes I spend a long time in one or the other, but the good news is, the Lord never lets me stay down for long. It's a long climb back up from weakness and magnified imperfection, but the ascent is what builds my strengths so I can reach new heights and continually grow.

I've recently been pondering on this process and the fact that it's never too late for a new beginning. I have a good friend who came through the Anasazi program this last summer. They did very well, and we were all so proud to see the new person they became and how strong they were when it was time to go home. Then, a few weeks ago, I received a message from this person that they had fallen and were coming back to Anasazi for another round. Fortunately, it was my week to help with new-intakes so I was able to be there for this friend as they came back and started again. This individual really struggled with forgiving themselves. They saw coming back as a sign that they failed and weren't worth a second chance. How grateful I am that this isn't true. We've all had those experiences where we are born again and are determined to never fall into our old ways again. However, Satan knows our weaknesses and he's not going to relent if he thinks there's a chance of bringing us down. But the Savior of the world knows how to descend below all things and lift us up. His very glory and joy comes from helping us wipe off the dust and stand again.

I am so imperfect, it's ridiculous. I don't know how God can see my infinite potential through all the mistakes I make on an hourly basis. But he does and he is stronger than anything in this world. So, when we let his will be our guide, there is nothing that can stop us. We are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and there is no depth too deep for the enabling and healing powers of the atonement. I'm so grateful that I can repent as many times as I need to get it right. Here at Anasazi we read something called The Seven Paths (it's like the scriptures, but in Native American wording). At one point in the story, the main character tells of a dream where he met the Savior, "I then awoke desiring to step anew. If I was to more forward, I needed to leave all that was backward behind. I did that day and have had to repeat the offering many times since." We don't run out of new beginnings. We can't ever stop being born again. If we stop then we limit ourselves for all eternity, but if we continue to forgive ourselves and make things right with God, we open the doors to eternal happiness for us and those we love.

So, at this special time of year as we ponder on God's gift to the World of his Beloved Son and his Son's gift to us of the saving atonement I join the many voices that have come before mine and those still to come - that he lives and loves us. The Savior of the World is willing to give us blessings without end if we will simply give our hearts to him and let him help us have a new beginning. So here's to a new beginning today and many to come!

Merry Christmas!

Addictions

I have an addiction. As hard as it is to admit it's time to be honest with myself and those I love. I have been dealing with addiction for years now and it's only getting worse. I am completely addicted to helping people, as unhealthy and hard on me as it is sometimes.

Even though my job causes me to lose sleep, even though hiking for miles and miles and sleeping on the ground is wearing on my body, even though I face an emotional roller coaster every time I go to the trail - I keep going back. Why? Because it feels so good. Yeah, the hard times are tough, but the good times are fantastic!

I love how it feels to see a YoungWalker overcome something that terrified them and find new courage. I love the elation that I get hearing them say things like, "This [seeing the view from the top of a tough mountain] feels good...like...better than doing drugs." I love when they see how their choices have been making them unhappy and they want to change. I am addicted to the happiness I feel when I can see the light in their eyes grow brighter and their strength to face their challenges increases. Despite the fact that this is one of the hardest jobs in the world, it is also one of the most incredible. Where else can you make such a big difference in someone's life? 

Another mountain to conquer

I'm learning to be humble. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to be teachable. I learning to change. I'm learning that it's ok to be vulnerable. I'm learning that even though people will come and go in our lives, they can be forever in our hearts and the lessons we gain from them can change our world. It's not easy to face the mountains in our lives, but the perspective we gain from the climb is worth every painful misstep and every doubt that enters our hearts. The feeling of accomplishment overcomes all the aches and bruises that come from the ascent. And in the end, you're left with a stronger heart and greater understanding of who you really are and what you can do. And helping someone else come to that in their lives is the greatest thing in the world.

So, although it exhausts me and causes some wear and tear on my body. And even though I get emotionally drained after eight days, I still get excited for the possibilities that await another week on the trail. And, while some weeks are harder than others, at the end of a week as amazing as this last one my heart is full of gratitude to be able to do what I do and see the miracles that await us all outside our comfort zones. 

Fall on the Trail

One of THOSE Weeks

Every week on the trail is an adventure but some weeks give you more obstacles than others. This last week on the trail we had to complete the longest hike at Anasazi. Usually we hike Thur, Fri, Sat, rest Sun then hike into Final D sometime on Monday. This last week was up early and hike everyday (Thur-Mon) until we ran out of sunlight, and get into Final D Mon afternoon. In addition, we had two SinaguaWalkers who were on their RabbitStick (meaning they still had to learn and pass off all the basic skills) while making this long trek. And because they were at the beginning of their time, they didn't hike very well, so it was a pretty long, drawn out hike. And that was just the physical aspect.

Emotionally, these kids were both pretty messed up. They had dealt with drug addictions for several years and neither was really sure they wanted to turn their lives around. They came because this seemed like a better rehab option than other programs.

Wednesday was the hardest day of the week. Throughout the hiking they had begun to come around and were seeing the reasons to change and make their lives better. They would say things like, "After this I only want to walk forward." or "It feels really good to see this [the epic view from the top of a mountain we just climbed]. Like, it kinda feels better than doing drugs." Then on Wednesday, I couldn't handle listening to their "dumb-talking" anymore. It's not forwards-talking, but it's not backwards-talking, it's just a waste. They spent almost the entire week talking about movies and music that do not fit what I would call tasteful, so I had nothing to say about them and after a week of it I was done. Then, one of them started talking about going home. All she wanted was to go home and go to another program (*she has a tendency to start programs but not finish them). I had a sitting with her and tried to help her see how much she needed this program and that it wasn't logical to leave at this point, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to hear reason or anything else, she just wanted to leave. After working on her almost all day (I sat with her, the WindWalker sat with her and a GhostWalker came into the band) she was coming around to the idea that she would stay and finish; "I'm going to request to walk with you at the end of my time so you can see how far I've come."

So, the week ended on a better note, but I was emotionally exhausted and ready for a break. Not to mention, I was ready to spend a few days being warm. It's getting cold up there!

Sometimes you get to go on secret missions to help Ridge with another band and you can take sweet pics like this one!