Merry Christmas and Happy New Beginnings

Occasionally the creator let's us try again at something that we struggled with the first time. I find that in my life, I oscillate between feeling strong/confident/able and weak/insecure/incapable. Sometimes I spend a long time in one or the other, but the good news is, the Lord never lets me stay down for long. It's a long climb back up from weakness and magnified imperfection, but the ascent is what builds my strengths so I can reach new heights and continually grow.

I've recently been pondering on this process and the fact that it's never too late for a new beginning. I have a good friend who came through the Anasazi program this last summer. They did very well, and we were all so proud to see the new person they became and how strong they were when it was time to go home. Then, a few weeks ago, I received a message from this person that they had fallen and were coming back to Anasazi for another round. Fortunately, it was my week to help with new-intakes so I was able to be there for this friend as they came back and started again. This individual really struggled with forgiving themselves. They saw coming back as a sign that they failed and weren't worth a second chance. How grateful I am that this isn't true. We've all had those experiences where we are born again and are determined to never fall into our old ways again. However, Satan knows our weaknesses and he's not going to relent if he thinks there's a chance of bringing us down. But the Savior of the world knows how to descend below all things and lift us up. His very glory and joy comes from helping us wipe off the dust and stand again.

I am so imperfect, it's ridiculous. I don't know how God can see my infinite potential through all the mistakes I make on an hourly basis. But he does and he is stronger than anything in this world. So, when we let his will be our guide, there is nothing that can stop us. We are all children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and there is no depth too deep for the enabling and healing powers of the atonement. I'm so grateful that I can repent as many times as I need to get it right. Here at Anasazi we read something called The Seven Paths (it's like the scriptures, but in Native American wording). At one point in the story, the main character tells of a dream where he met the Savior, "I then awoke desiring to step anew. If I was to more forward, I needed to leave all that was backward behind. I did that day and have had to repeat the offering many times since." We don't run out of new beginnings. We can't ever stop being born again. If we stop then we limit ourselves for all eternity, but if we continue to forgive ourselves and make things right with God, we open the doors to eternal happiness for us and those we love.

So, at this special time of year as we ponder on God's gift to the World of his Beloved Son and his Son's gift to us of the saving atonement I join the many voices that have come before mine and those still to come - that he lives and loves us. The Savior of the World is willing to give us blessings without end if we will simply give our hearts to him and let him help us have a new beginning. So here's to a new beginning today and many to come!

Merry Christmas!

Addictions

I have an addiction. As hard as it is to admit it's time to be honest with myself and those I love. I have been dealing with addiction for years now and it's only getting worse. I am completely addicted to helping people, as unhealthy and hard on me as it is sometimes.

Even though my job causes me to lose sleep, even though hiking for miles and miles and sleeping on the ground is wearing on my body, even though I face an emotional roller coaster every time I go to the trail - I keep going back. Why? Because it feels so good. Yeah, the hard times are tough, but the good times are fantastic!

I love how it feels to see a YoungWalker overcome something that terrified them and find new courage. I love the elation that I get hearing them say things like, "This [seeing the view from the top of a tough mountain] feels good...like...better than doing drugs." I love when they see how their choices have been making them unhappy and they want to change. I am addicted to the happiness I feel when I can see the light in their eyes grow brighter and their strength to face their challenges increases. Despite the fact that this is one of the hardest jobs in the world, it is also one of the most incredible. Where else can you make such a big difference in someone's life? 

Another mountain to conquer

I'm learning to be humble. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to be teachable. I learning to change. I'm learning that it's ok to be vulnerable. I'm learning that even though people will come and go in our lives, they can be forever in our hearts and the lessons we gain from them can change our world. It's not easy to face the mountains in our lives, but the perspective we gain from the climb is worth every painful misstep and every doubt that enters our hearts. The feeling of accomplishment overcomes all the aches and bruises that come from the ascent. And in the end, you're left with a stronger heart and greater understanding of who you really are and what you can do. And helping someone else come to that in their lives is the greatest thing in the world.

So, although it exhausts me and causes some wear and tear on my body. And even though I get emotionally drained after eight days, I still get excited for the possibilities that await another week on the trail. And, while some weeks are harder than others, at the end of a week as amazing as this last one my heart is full of gratitude to be able to do what I do and see the miracles that await us all outside our comfort zones. 

Fall on the Trail

One of THOSE Weeks

Every week on the trail is an adventure but some weeks give you more obstacles than others. This last week on the trail we had to complete the longest hike at Anasazi. Usually we hike Thur, Fri, Sat, rest Sun then hike into Final D sometime on Monday. This last week was up early and hike everyday (Thur-Mon) until we ran out of sunlight, and get into Final D Mon afternoon. In addition, we had two SinaguaWalkers who were on their RabbitStick (meaning they still had to learn and pass off all the basic skills) while making this long trek. And because they were at the beginning of their time, they didn't hike very well, so it was a pretty long, drawn out hike. And that was just the physical aspect.

Emotionally, these kids were both pretty messed up. They had dealt with drug addictions for several years and neither was really sure they wanted to turn their lives around. They came because this seemed like a better rehab option than other programs.

Wednesday was the hardest day of the week. Throughout the hiking they had begun to come around and were seeing the reasons to change and make their lives better. They would say things like, "After this I only want to walk forward." or "It feels really good to see this [the epic view from the top of a mountain we just climbed]. Like, it kinda feels better than doing drugs." Then on Wednesday, I couldn't handle listening to their "dumb-talking" anymore. It's not forwards-talking, but it's not backwards-talking, it's just a waste. They spent almost the entire week talking about movies and music that do not fit what I would call tasteful, so I had nothing to say about them and after a week of it I was done. Then, one of them started talking about going home. All she wanted was to go home and go to another program (*she has a tendency to start programs but not finish them). I had a sitting with her and tried to help her see how much she needed this program and that it wasn't logical to leave at this point, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to hear reason or anything else, she just wanted to leave. After working on her almost all day (I sat with her, the WindWalker sat with her and a GhostWalker came into the band) she was coming around to the idea that she would stay and finish; "I'm going to request to walk with you at the end of my time so you can see how far I've come."

So, the week ended on a better note, but I was emotionally exhausted and ready for a break. Not to mention, I was ready to spend a few days being warm. It's getting cold up there!

Sometimes you get to go on secret missions to help Ridge with another band and you can take sweet pics like this one!

Oh Life

How does it get away from you so easily?! I get off the trail with every intention of updating this and the next thing I know, it's been two weeks and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I'm preparing to go out on the trail again tomorrow.

Highlights of the last two weeks:

• Seeing a great YoungWalker come off the trail. I helped her at the office on her first day in the program and seeing her on her first and last was fun for me.
• One of my absolute favorite YoungWalkers came to Mesa and I was able to spend some time with her. Seeing how well she's doing and that she's continuing to walk forward is payday for a TrailWalker. Witnessing that they not only did well on the trail but are still going strong and growing stronger is golden!
• Driving to Idaho wasn't really a highlight (although I do enjoy roadtrips, they are more fun with other people) but I was able to see some of my favorite people along the way and that's what it's all about. I would travel the world for some of these people that mean so much to me.
• Helped mom get the house ready to sell and move. The moving idea is a little sad. Even though I don't live there anymore, it's strange to think of my parents living somewhere else or celebrating Christmas and special events in a different house. But I am glad I was able to help my family out in this rather stressful period of transition.
• I also changed rotations, which is a big deal at Anasazi. You have a certain belonging place and fit into your rotation so to change is a big deal and a little unsettling to be honest. But I felt good about the change and I think some great opportunities will come from it. Plus, it means I get to go out on the trail again tomorrow. It's funny how much I miss it when I'm not out there. During my training, back in May, I was talking to another trainee about how strange it was that we felt so comfortable out there. A trail-veteran overheard and commented that one day we would find that we are more comfortable on the trail than we were in the "wilderness of the world". Today, as I told my roommate how excited I am to get back on the trail, I remembered those words and realized it's true. I'm in my element out there and feel like my most real self. I miss it when I'm off the trail.

So, tomorrow morning - here we go again. Adventure is out there and we are going to find it and grow from it!

Walk forward everyone. It's so worth it!

Oh Boy!

Actually there were 7! SEVEN BOYS in our band! Oh what a handful. I don't know what I would do if the Lord needed me to be a mom to 7 boys. On the one hand it would be a riot, on the other hand, I would go crazy!

The whole time I was on vacation, I had been praying to be in Girls' Band when I got back on the trail, but I found out the day before we went out that the girl that I was really hoping to walk with had finished and was going home. I was sad to know that I wouldn't be able to walk with her again but it took off some of the pressure to be in girls band before she left.* So, Wednesday morning, when I found out that I would be in Boys Band it wasn't as hard to swallow. That is, until I realized something...I'd never been in Boys' Band before and I wasn't sure I could handle it!

When we got to the band, it took some getting used to. Talking with 17 year old boys is hard. I don't know enough about their sports, music, shows, etc to really carry on a conversation about them and I don't know what else boys do in high school other than talk about girls, but that doesn't really work out in the wilderness either. And SEVEN! That's the biggest band I've dealt with and it's just hard to keep track of them all. I guess, I should be used to it since EFY was between 10 and 40, but to really help each of them walk forward takes a lot of time and attention and that's hard for 3 TWs to do for 7 boys in 8 days. 

Then, add on top of all that, the fact that one of the boys started plummeting. He was struggling a bit when we got there (he didn't eat anything Wednesday night, then threw up Thursday morning) but he has a tendency of trying to manipulate the situation like that and test out the new TWs so we got through that and hiked on Thursday. But as we hiked, we discovered a couple things. 1 - he is an INCREDIBLY slow hiker. I've never seen anyone move so slowly or so uncoordinated on boulder fields as he was, and he's been here several weeks. And 2 -  he was having some major mental struggles that were keeping him from really walking forward. 

What did all that mean? It meant that we laid-over (didn't hike) on Friday and Saturday, we never left camp before 11 am, and we only hiked about 2.5 miles in a week! It also meant that we, as a band, had the opportunity to learn great patience and compassion. It meant that all of the boys had to learn to reach outside themselves and find the good in their fellow YoungWalker. It meant that we needed to learn how to empower without enabling. (I'm going to have to do a separate entry on "enabling". It's something I am learning a lot about and I don't particularly like the connotation we have given it.)

This was a very trying week. We pulled our hair out trying to figure out how to get through to this kid and help him see just how great he is, but it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I was reminded again and again of my mission and those moments when trying to help someone who is being illogical/impossible. I haven't prayed that hard for discernment and charity in a long time. The most interesting thing though, is the fact that this is probably one of the weeks that I will refer to most as I look back on my walking and the experiences that have helped me grow. 

I love each of those boys. I am so grateful that I was able to walk with them and learn from them and I can't wait to see the forwards walking that they do as they finish at Anasazi and reenter the wilderness of the world. I was relieved to leave the trail yesterday. But, as always, there's a part of my heart out there, seeking to gather from the sky and the paths of the creator and waiting for me to return to my people, the people of the trail, those who Walk In We.

Walking home at the end of a long, crazy week.

*Although I didn't realize how much I would miss the other girls in the Girls' Band, I know all of them right now and adore them each in a way. I found out today that they requested to walk with me this week - even though I'm not on the trail, it melted my heart to know that they liked me enough to want to walk with me again. And one of my favorites is Dawnstar-ing this week, ie. finishing up, so I won't get to walk with her again. Why is it, when I like a person or group I only walk with them once, when I struggle with a person or group, I walk with them again and again?!